You think everything’s great. You’re looking forward to seeing him again. And then he says, those famous last words, I’ll call you.

You wait and you wait. You feel worse and worse. You sit by the phone. And you keep asking yourself – Why doesn’t he call? 

No Call After a First Date

Since he doesn’t really know you yet, this is the easiest one to shake off. Sure, you’re disappointed. And it would be better if he hadn’t said he’d call or if he could let you know he’s just not interested. But, according to Greg Behrendt (2004), a guy would rather lose a limb than tell you he’s just not that into you.

You’ve Had a Few Dates and He Forgets to Call

In the beginning, there can be mix-ups and misunderstandings. You’re still getting to know each other and getting your rhythm down. If you don’t hear from him when you expect to, there’s always the chance that he actually forgot. This doesn’t have to mean that it’s over. That will depend on how he handles the mix-up.

When you ask him about the missed call — does he sincerely apologize? Or does he get defensive or come up with a big long story? If he takes responsibility without making you feel bad, that’s a really good sign. On the other hand, if you blames you or seems to be less than forthcoming, that’s a big red flag. And remember, in the beginning, this is him on his best behavior.

You’re a Couple and He’s MIA (Missing in Action)

You’re in a relationship. You have a well established pattern of checking in with each other. You talk every day. Or maybe you text throughout the day. And then something starts to shift. The texting slows down. He’s not calling as often or he’s not picking up your calls. You tell yourself it’s no big deal, but something inside you says it is.

After the initial infatuation subsides, it’s normal to have less intense contact. But, there’s usually more regular contact and time together. On the other hand, if it feels like he’s starting to back up, pay attention. And talk about what’s happening. Otherwise, there’s a good chance — the closer you get, the more he’ll back off.

He’s Gone Without a Trace

This one is the absolute worst. One minute you’re in a relationship. The next minute, he’s gone. He stops calling, He stops texting. He stops coming around. It’s over. And you have no idea what happened. The most important thing to remember with this guy is — you probably didn’t really know him. And it’s really not you, it’s him. But, you’ll feel more empowered if you can see any red flags you may have missed.

Did he come on really strong at first? Usually, the faster they come on, the faster they’ll go away. Were there times that you ignored your instincts? The more you trust yourself, the safer you’ll feel about trusting the next guy. Was he someone you could really see yourself with? Or were you settling for less than you deserve?

If you’re tired of flaky guys and you’re ready for someone who is into you, counseling can help. Why waste time sitting by the phone, when you could be spending it with a great guy instead?

Behrendt, G & Tucillo, L. (2004). He’s Just Not That Into You. New York: Simon & Schuster.

A while back someone suggested women take golf or scuba classes to meet men. So many women did this that there were more women than men in some of these classes!

Hanging out where the men are isn’t a bad idea. But, the goal isn’t to meet any man.

The goal is to meet your man – the man who’s right for you.

Here are a few of my favorite places where you might meet your Mr. Right:

Singles Groups or Clubs 

The best singles groups are focused on something important to you — your faith, your politics, your love of the outdoors. This could be a church singles group, the Sierra Club or a Meetup singles group with a religious or political focus. Then when you meet someone you like you’ll already have important things in common.

The group also needs to have people around your age who are looking for a real relationship. And they need to have a steady stream of new people.

The Dog Park

If you’re a dog-lover, taking your dog to the park is a great way to get outdoors and meet new people (read = men). This is especially true at the dog park because you’ll be meeting men who share your love of dogs. Plus, your dogs give you a built in conversation starter and ice breaker. If you’re a dog-lover, but right now you’re between dogs, invite a friend and her dog to join you.

Relationship Workshops or Seminars

Workshops or seminars where singles come together to learn about relationships can be a great place to meet men. These men are motivated and interested to learn about themselves. I offer Relationship Seminars in the Los Angeles area and we’ll be coming to Orange County soon! There may be relationship counselors in your area that offer something similar.

Friends’ Get-Togethers

One of the best places to meet men is when your friends have people over. There’s a good chance you’ll have stuff in common with your friends’ friends. Plus, your friends can give you the scoop on what he’s really like. So —  Just Say Yes when your friends invite you over for dinner or a barbecue or to play Apples-to-Apples. And remind them to include some single guys they like and respect.

Online Dating Sites

Everyone is dating online. But all online dating sites are not created equal. It’s better if the site costs something and if it requires a lengthy questionnaire like eHarmony. The investment of time and money helps screen out men who aren’t looking for a serious relationship. I also like eHarmony because they prescreen your matches. That allows you to meet men who aren’t your type. Because if your type hasn’t worked for you in the past, it might be time to try something new.

Classes 

Do you have a passion, something you care about deeply? If you take a class in this area, you can meet men who also share your passion. It might be — the environment, horseback riding, dancing. What matters is that it’s important to you.

I Met My Husband Swing Dancing

We met at Pasadena Ballroom Dance Association. It’s a low-key venue that feels kind of like being at a wedding. There’s all different ages. They offer dance classes during the week and free lessons at the Saturday dances so you get to know people. A close friend also met her partner there. So, thank-you PBDA!

Now, it’s Your Turn

I would LOVE to hear your dating stories of where to meet men (and maybe where not to meet men!) Just leave a comment at the bottom of this article. :)

Does it ever feel like all the good ones are already taken? And the guys you meet just aren’t relationship material? Or when you meet someone you do like, he’s just not that into you?

A lot of good men are already married. But, there are plenty of other great guys still out there. But, if you can’t seem to find one, it might mean at some level — you’re not quite ready for love.

It’s hard to believe, I know. Everyone around you is pairing up and settling down. And you don’t want to get left behind. But, there may be a part of you that is holding back.

Take this simple quiz* to find out…

Are You Ready for Love?

Do you have relationships with men who:
a. want to marry you after 6 to 16 months? (0 points)
b. want to marry you at first, but then get cold feet? (-1 point)
c. don’t know if they ever want to get married? (-1 point)

When a guy you like wants to get closer:
a. do you say “Come here, Baby!” (0 points)
b. does he become less attractive? (-1 point)
c. do you get nervous? (-1 point)

When you think about sharing your life with someone, do you:
a. feel elated! (0 points)
b. secretly wonder if you’ll have to give up important parts of your single life? (-1 point)
c. worry you might lose yourself? (-1 point)

If you scored -1 to -3, points, you may have Mixed Feelings about Finding Love. If you scored -4 to -6 points, you may have a Fear of Finding Love. If you scored 0 points you could be Ready for Love!

Take Action:

If you have Mixed Feelings or if you have a Fear of Finding Love, this is not a life sentence. It just means at some level, you may have a fear of intimacy. Part of you really wants love. But, another part of you is afraid you won’t get what you really need in a relationship.

Sometimes it means you’re afraid of getting hurt. Sometimes it means you’re afraid of getting close and then losing him. Sometimes, it’s a little of both. And now that you know you’re not quite ready for love, you can do something about it.

For some people it’s counseling. For others it’s a 12-step or support group. Whatever works for you. (And if you’re in the Los Angeles or Orange County area, check out my Relationship Seminars.)

* This quiz is intended to be informative. However, it is not a valid psychological assessment tool.

We all know men and women are different when it comes to sex. But, just how different are we? Take this SEXPERT quiz* to get your SEX IQ and find out!

QUESTIONS:

(Fill in the blanks with MEN or WOMEN)

1. When  _______ have sex, they tend to bond with their partner.
2. _______ are more visual and aroused more easily.
3. _______ are aroused more slowly and need non-sexual touch before direct sexual touch.
4. Worry, fatigue and stress can interfere with a  _______’s desire for sex.
5. _______ need to feel relaxed, warm, and comfortable before sex.
6. _______ usually need to feel connected and close before sex. And they may want to talk.
7. For _______, foreplay is anything that’s happened in the last 24 hours.
8. For _______, foreplay is anything that’s happened in the last 3-minutes.
9. _______ have 2 1/2 times more brain space devoted to sex and 3 times more sex drive.
10. _______’s sex hormones are highest in the morning.
11. _______’s sex hormones are highest at certain times of the month.
12. _______ are more like a blow torch – all the way on/all the way off.
13. _______ are more like an oven – slow to preheat/slow to cool down.
14. _______ feel like loss of sex = loss of love.
15. _______’s pleasure is the best predictor of the couple having a good sex life.

ANSWERS:

1. Women release the bonding hormone, oxytocin, with any physical touch. And especially with sex and orgasm (Brizendine, 2006).
2. Men are more visual than women. That’s why they’re aroused more easily.
3. Women are aroused more slowly and need non-sexual touch before any sexual body parts are touched (Grey, 1997).
4. Worry, fatigue and stress can interfere with a woman’s desire for sex (Brizendine, 2006).
5. Women need to feel comfortable and warm before they’re ready to have sex (Brizendine, 2006).
6. Women need to feel close and connected before sex. And they may want to bond by talking before, during, and after sex.
7. For women, foreplay is anything that’s happened in the last 24 hours, so men shouldn’t pick a fight the day before they want to have sex! (Brizendine, 2006)
8. For men, foreplay is what happens right before sex (Brizendine, 2006).
9. Men have 2 1/2 times more brain space and 3 times more sex drive than women (Brizendine, 2006).
10. Men’s testosterone levels are highest in the morning.
11. Women’s desire for sex is highest when they are ovulating (day 14 of their cycle). That’s also when women are most fertile.
12. Men are like blow torches. When they are turned on, they are all the way ready for sex. And once it’s over, they’re all the way off (Grey,1997).
13. Women are like ovens. It takes more for a woman to be ready for sex. She needs lots of preheating first (Grey 1997).
14. Sex is as important to men as talking is to women. A loss of sex feels like a loss of love for men (Brizendine, 2006).
15. A woman’s pleasure is the best predictor of a good sex life. Because when sex is good for her, there will be more sex!

SCORING:

If you got 11-15 correct answers, your SEX IQ is high. You know most of the differences between men and women. You are a SEXPERT!

If you got 6-10 correct answers, your SEX IQ is medium. You understand some of the differences between men and women, and you may have picked up a few nuggets here. This makes you a SEXPERT-IN-PROGRESS!

If you got 0-5 correct answers, good for you for taking the quiz. You may have scored a low SEX IQ. But you are on your way to knowing more about men and women’s differences, which makes you a SEXPERT-IN-TRAINING!

Now, it’s Your Turn

You KNOW, I’d love to hear your thoughts, questions and comments!

References:

Brizendine, L. (2006). The Female Brain. New York: Doubleday.

Grey, John. (1997).  Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.  (Workshop Videotapes and Workbook).

* This quiz is intended to be fun and informative. However, it is not a valid psychological assessment tool.

I got a comment on my LA Shrinks, Part 1 article saying the clients might be actors. So, I wanted to find out if it was true. I reached out to several people associated with the show, but the only one I heard back from was Georgie Donovan. (Georgie is the woman from the couple Dr. Venus was seeing for sex issues.) We chatted via twitter and email. According to Georgie, the show is not scripted and it was “real” for her. And she doesn’t consider herself an actress, though she’s been on other reality shows.

Dr. Gregory Cason’s, angry client, Elizabeth was also on another reality show, My Shopping Addiction (see YouTube video above). And LA Shrinks’ facebook fans say they’ve spotted her as an extra in the movie, Bride Wars. Another facebook fan says she recognized many LA Shrinks clients from a movie or commercial. I don’t have any way of knowing if the facebook fans are right.

But, it got me thinking – how much of LA Shrinks is real?

I know reality TV is never completely real. That’s why they have writers. But, somehow it seems important to keep it as real as possible, when you’re talking about therapy. Especially for people who’ve never had any personal experience with therapy.

So, I thought it might be helpful to share:

• How the therapy I do is similar or different than LA Shrinks 
• Why therapists need therapy
• What my therapy looks like (as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist)

My Sessions are Tame Compared to LA Shrinks

I’ve never asked a couple to record their sex life so I could listen to it or taken anyone to a sex shop. And I’ve never taken a client to a gay bar so he could find out he’s not gay. Since Dr. Venus Nicolino is not a licensed therapist it makes sense that my sessions would be most different from hers. (And thankfully, I’ve never had a client pee in front of me in the car, like Dr. Greg Cason’s Elizabeth.)

I often focus on childhood and family-of-origin issues. Dr. Eris Huemer, the Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist on the show, has done this with the couple she’s seeing. The key is to identify how each person’s childhood/family issues are getting played out in the marriage. It helps each partner know when they’re overreacting. And it also helps the other partner be more sensitive to them.

But, the session I liked the most was when Dr. Greg went in for his own therapy. His therapist was direct and had good boundaries. But, he was also caring and compassionate and insightful. And that all contributed to Dr. Greg getting in touch with some real feelings at the end of his session.

Why Do Therapists Need Therapists?

Most therapists go into the psychology field to figure out and heal themselves. We usually have more than our share of issues. That’s why we’re drawn to therapy and psychology in the first place. And if we get the help we need, our personal struggles make us better therapists. Because we know what it feels like to be in pain. We also know how to get better. And that helps us guide our clients through the process.

But, if therapists don’t get help for themselves, that’s not so good. Because, when it comes to relationships, including the therapeutic relationship, you can’t give what you don’t have. In other words – you can’t help your clients get healthier than you are (Lewis, Amini, & Lannon, 2000).

My Therapy with Single Women Looking for Love

In my counseling practice, I primarily see single women who want to figure out why they can’t find a good man. I help them look at their relationship patterns. When they do, they often discover that at some level – they are afraid of intimacy. This usually goes back to the family they grew up in. Either they were hurt or they didn’t get the love they needed or both. So, when they try to get close to someone today, it feels scary and/or unfamiliar. Plus, they tend to attract men like their family, so they keep getting hurt. (I also work with men, couples, and families. And we usually focus on their family stuff, too.)

Once they realize what’s going on, they can heal those family issues. This usually means feeling the pain from the past. These are hard feelings to walk through. And that’s why it’s so important for the therapist and therapy to be a safe place of support.

As they heal they begin to change their own relationship patterns. This means staying away from men like their family and finding men who are good and safe.

My therapeutic style is less dramatic than what you see on LA Shrinks. But, it’s dramatic in a different way. I get to help women figure out why they haven’t been able to find a good relationship. And I get to help them heal so they can find love. And that’s pretty cool, if you ask me.

Now, It’s Your Turn

What do you think about LA Shrinks? How much do you think is real? If you’ve had any therapy experience as a client or therapist — how is it similar to LA Shrinks? How is it different?

Anything else you’d like to share? Just leave a comment below.

Lewis, T., Amini, F., & Lannon, R. (2000). A General Theory of Love. New York: Random.

For more LA Shrinks, ‘LA Shrinks’ Part 1: One of Bravo TV’s LA Shrinks is Not a Licensed Therapist

Sheryl Sandberg definitely hit a nerve with her message that women should “Lean In” more to their careers and ambition. Her intentions seem good. She sees the inequalities in the workplace and the lack of women in leadership positions. And she wants to encourage women to go for it.

But, there are only so many hours in a day. And if a woman leans in more to her career, she is either adding more work to an already full plate or she is leaning out from the rest of her life.

Working Mothers Want to Work Less

Most working moms are exhausted and overwhelmed. They worry they aren’t doing enough at work or at home. And the majority of them don’t want to work more. They want to work less. According to a recent survey, 74% of working mothers work full-time. But, most would actually prefer to work part-time (Pew Research Social & Demographic Trends, 2009).

Single Women Still Want to Get Married

One of the unexpected consequences for women who follow a traditional male career path is that marriage and family don’t always just happen. Many women are discovering that they need to make a conscious shift to focus on their personal life, unless they want to stay single. This doesn’t mean abandoning their career or ambition. But it may mean investing in their personal life just like they have invested in their career. 

Can Women Have it All?

Today, we are living longer and having smaller families. So, there is time for different seasons where family or career take priority. Women can have it all. But, trying to do it all — all at once can be overwhelming.

How Can We Support Women?

The first wave of the women’s movement was about gaining equality with men. Today’s feminism encourages us to value our uniqueness as women and to embrace our gender differences. This means supporting women in whatever work-family balance they choose.

And maybe we could take this a step further and lobby for more female-friendly and family-friendly workplace policies, such as telecommuting and job-sharing. A more flexible model could provide women opportunities for meaningful work that doesn’t require them to sacrifice their families, their relationships or themselves.

Of the three “shrinks” showcased in last Monday’s premiere episode, only two are licensed therapists. Dr. Gregory Cason is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Dr. Eris Huemer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. The third “shrink,” Dr. Venus Nicolino is a “life-consultant.” None of the L.A. Shrinks are psychiatrists, though that’s what the term “shrinks” usually refers to. Psychiatrists are medical doctors.  

The titles on the television screen only list each “shrink’s” doctoral degree: Venus Nicolino, PhD; Greg Cason, PhD; and Eris Huemer, PsyD. Their licenses aren’t included. So, it’s hard to tell who’s licensed and who’s not. Plus, one of Dr. V’s clients refers to her as a therapist, which adds to the confusion. 

Why is it important to know if someone is a coach or a licensed therapist?   

If you’re looking for therapy, it’s important to be able to identify if someone is licensed to practice therapy. If you don’t need therapy and you just want someone to coach you, then you might get exactly what you need from a life-consultant, life-coach, relationship coach, etc.

But, it’s important for coaches to clearly identify that they’re not licensed therapists. That way  you know exactly what you’re getting. And it’s important for the coach to know what constitutes therapy so they don’t accidentally “practice therapy without a license.” Because that’s against the law in the state of California. 

What  does therapy with a licensed therapist look like?

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I help people explore their relationship issues so they can have better relationships. I can work with individuals, couples, families and groups. 

There are also several other types of licensed therapists including: Licensed Clinical Psychologists, Licensed Clinical Social Workers, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors, etc. (You can read the complete description of what Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists and some of the other licensed therapists do at the California Board of Behavioral Sciences website.)

What are the requirements for a licensed therapist, like a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist? 

To become licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist in California, you have to have a Masters degree that meets specific requirements, 3000 hours of supervised training, state licensing exams, continuing education, and more.  

How can you tell if someone is licensed to practice therapy? 

A therapist who is licensed to provide therapy in the state of California will have a certificate on display in their office.  (There’s a picture of mine at the top of this article.) It includes:

• State of California Department of Consumer Affairs
• Board that issued the license (Board of Behavioral Sciences)
• Title of the license (Marriage and Family Therapist)
• License number
• Expiration date (The license has to be renewed regularly)
• Name and address

You can also contact the appropriate state board to verify if someone is licensed (ie. Board of Behavioral Sciences, Board of Psychology, etc.).

Now, it’s your turn…

I know this is a lot of information. I just wanted to make sure that you knew how to tell if someone is a licensed therapist.

Now, I would love to hear what you think!

And for more LA Shrinks, Bravo’s ‘LA Shrinks’ Part 2: How much is real?

When it comes to choosing a partner, is there anything you can do steer clear of the cheaters? 

There are no guarantees.

But, here are 5 Things You Can Do to Stack the Odds in Your Favor:

#1 Run Away Away from Your Type

We tend to be attracted to men like our parents, even if we don’t want the same kind of relationship our parents had.  And if there was any infidelity or divorce in your family, it can leave you feeling needy and insecure. But, without realizing it, you might be attracted to men who can’t commit or be faithful. And that just reinforces your insecurity. That’s why it’s important to consider dating guys who aren’t your “type.” 

#2 Remember — If He’s Cheated Before, There’s a Good Chance He’ll Cheat Again 

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So, if there is a pattern of infidelity, there’s a good chance that he will cheat again, unless he’s had some serious therapy. Because he hasn’t dealt with the reasons why he can’t be faithful.  Yes, there are always exceptions, especially for the young. But, it’s best to think of yourself as the rule, not the exception,  (Behrendt & Tucillo, 2004).

#3 Go Slow and Really Get to Know Him  

Remember, the first 3-6 months is infatuation, so you don’t want to get too serious before then. It’s like being on drugs in terms of your brain chemistry and hormones. And the anxiety centers in your brain get really quiet so it’s easy to miss the red flags that everyone else can see. (Brizendine, 2006). And don’t get physical right away. Because then you’re bonded to him. And he may not be bonded to you. 

#4 Believe Him — If He Says He’s Not Ready to Get Married

Most men aren’t into marriage the same way women are. Instead, they warm up to the idea as they fall in love with you. They don’t want anyone else to have you. So, they realize they better do something to get you off the market. But, if he doesn’t warm up to the idea  of marriage and you have to rope him into it or give him an ultimatum, that’s not a good sign. It could be that he’s “not the marrying kind” or it could be that he’s not into marrying you. Either one is not so good.

#5 Take Action

We attract people who are as healthy as we are. So, the best insurance against choosing someone who might cheat or leave is to get healthy yourself. This might include counseling, or a 12-step or other support group. Whatever works for you. What’s important is — if you feel valued and valuable, you’ll be able to tell when a man is treating you right and when he’s not. And how he treats you before he marries you is the biggest clue about how the’ll treat you after.  

References:

Behrendt, G & Tucillo, L. (2004). He’s Just Not That Into You. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Brizendine, L. (2006). The Female Brain. New York: Doubleday.

A Girls Night Out can help you get through Valentines Day if you’re single.

But, there’s always the chance that having dinner next to all those happy couples will make you feel worse. And if you opt for a bar instead of a restaurant, there’s an even greater chance you’ll drink too much and end up with someone you wouldn’t normally choose.

So, what’s a girl to do? 

Have A Girls Night IN!

Get your single girlfriends together. Have everyone bring something to eat or drink. Make sure whoever is hosting the get-together has Netflix or Hulu or something good you can watch. You might choose something romantic. Or maybe something anti-romantic, like War of the Roses. It’s whatever you want! 

This is your night to be with good friends who love and support you.You can keep the conversation light. Or you can share from the heart. You can: 

• Yell or cry or laugh about not being in a relationship
• Talk about why you’re glad you’re single today
• Talk about what you wish your Valentines Day was like
• Talk about what you want in a man or a relationship
• Talk about what you’ll do to make changes in yourself or your relationships this year
• Not talk about men or relationships at all
• Enjoy a good movie, good friends, good food and drinks

Whatever you do, remember, how awesome you are. And that Valentines Day is just one day. Everything will look and feel better tomorrow!

Just wanted to share my exciting news. I sent some relationship tips over to Cosmo last month but I never heard back. Then I noticed I was getting all these hits on my website from the Cosmopolitan website. So I checked and sure enough, there it is — “7 Signs He’s Not Ready to Commit!” Not only did they use most of the tips I sent, they also included a link to my site!

Here’s the intro. to the article:

“A recent study shows that your man’s parents have a lot to do with whether or not he’ll commit to your relationship. Don’t let that be an excuse: He’s still a big boy and makes his own decisions. The problem? He doesn’t always know—or tell you—about his intentions. That’s why we asked Vondie Lozano, PhD, a California-based relationship therapist, to give us the low-down on the signs he can’t commit.”

To read the rest of the Cosmo article, click here. 

I hope the article helps you screen out the guys who aren’t ready for a real relationship. Because as the article says, “you deserve better.”

I’ve also shared dating and relationship tips recently at iVillage.com. 

The Rules: Meeting the Parents

You can find all these article and more on my Press page.

And I’m working on some special tips for you for Valentines Day! Look for my post the beginning of next week!

If you’ve had trouble finding love, there’s a good chance something inside you is holding you back. And you may not even know what it is.

So, that’s what we’ll be exploring the :

What’s keeping you from finding love!

What you can do about it!

* We’ll share and discuss some dating and relationship strategies

* I’ll do a Live Demonstration with one person to explore how their family-of-origin relationship patterns might be keeping them from finding love (But, trust me – everyone gets a lot out of it!)

This seminar can help you explore any blocks or issues that may be keeping you from finding the kind of relationship you really want.

Dr. Vondie’s Relationship Seminars
Glendora Professional Center
January 11  - March 22, 2013
Friday’s 7:00 p.m.
150 E. Meda Ave., Suite 110 Glendora, CA 91741

We all want someone to love who really loves us. Especially with Valentines Day right around the corner. But, how do you know if he is ready to take things to the next level?

Here are 10 ways to know if he is ready for a real relationship: 

1) Does he keep small commitments, like being on time and calling when he says he will?

2) Does he continue to move forward in your relationship? Or does he start out strong, but then have doubts or need to take “breaks.” Remember, the faster he comes on, the faster he will go away. 

3) Is he finished with his last relationship?  If he’s separated, recently divorced or coming off a break-up, he’s not ready to commit to a new relationship. And of course if he’s still in contact with his ex, he’s definitely not ready for anything real with you.

4) Does he ever mention wanting to “see other people”? Big red flag. He’s definitely not ready to commit to a relationship.

5) If he hasn’t asked you to be exclusive, assume that you’re not.

6) Do you take priority on the weekends, especially Friday and Saturday nights? That means he’s not out there looking for something better. 

7) Has he introduced you to any of their friends or family? This doesn’t happen all at once. But, if he slowly begin to share his world with you, that’s definitely a good sign.

8) If he a workaholic, alcoholic, or even a sexaholic, he’s not ready to commit. His obsession or addiction will always come before you.

9) If he tells you he’s not ready to settle down or he’s not “the marrying kind,”  BELIEVE him. He’s definitely not ready for a commitment now and he may NEVER be! 

10) If he keeps his small commitments to you, if you continue to grow closer, if  he’s making you a priority in his life and including you in his world, you’re definitely headed in the right direction. And when he’s ready to commit, you’ll be able to trust that it’s real. 

Take Action: Share one way you knew he was or wasn’t ready to commit.
(And if you’re in the L.A. area and you’d like to discover what’s keeping you from finding love, join me at my new Relationship Seminars Fridays at 7 p.m.) 

It’s hard to set boundaries with anyone. But it can be especially tricky with your own family. You don’t want to hurt them or push them away. But, you also need to stand up for yourself and remind them that you’re  ”all grown-up now.”

So, what can you do?

Give the Benefit of the Doubt

It helps to remember that most of the time your family has good intentions. They want to be a part of your life. They want to be close to you. And most of all, they want to help. 

You’re Not a Kid Anymore  

Sometimes you have to remind your family that you don’t need the same kind of help you needed when you were a kid. You can let them know you appreciate their concern, but you function just fine every day in the adult world without them. If they still don’t get it, let them know you respect their opinion; but you need to make your own choices since you’ll be the one who has to live with the outcome of your decisions.

The Broken Record

You might have to say the same thing many different times and many different ways before your family really hears you. And actions speak louder than words. When they see that you’re doing just fine on your own, they will begin to relax and let go. But be prepared for periodic setbacks. After all, in their eyes, you’ll always be their little girl, boy, sister or brother.

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

Some families or some family members really are dysfunctional. They will run over you and your boundaries no matter what you do or say. That’s when it’s time to practice “tough love.” You may need to put a lot of space between you and them — physically and emotionally. This could mean fewer and shorter visit. And you might want to be careful about what you share with them. This will feel awkward and uncomfortable at first. But, it may be the only way to take care of yourself.

Take Action: If you’re in the L.A. area and you’d like to find out how your family relationship patterns could be keeping you from finding love, join me at my new Relationship Seminars, starting January 11th

Holiday family gatherings can be stressful. But, they can also be a special time of time of warmth and togetherness.

Here are some tips to help you make the most of your holiday family get-togethers this year.

Keep it Real
Don’t compare your family’s holiday to a picture of what you think the holidays should be like. That’s not real for anyone. But, your family members are very real. And best of all, they’re yours! So, embrace them — quirks and all. 

Be Yourself
The more you can be yourself with your family, the closer you’ll feel to them. Some families make this easier than others. If you’re family isn’t particularly accepting, keep things on a more surface level. It’s a way to protect yourself and still be respectful.

Be Prepared for Questions
If you’ll be seeing  extended family or other people you don’t regularly see, be prepared for questions about your work and personal life. Some people are genuinely interested. Others are just making small talk. Either way, it’s best to decide in advance how much you’re comfortable sharing. And if you get caught off-guard, change the subject and ask them a question. Everyone loves to talk about themselves. So chances are by the time they’re done answering, they’ll have forgotten what they asked you.

Share Family Stories, But Don’t Throw Anyone Under the Bus
It can be fun to reminisce about past holidays and fun times together. But, when someone brings a new boyfriend or girlfriend, it’s easy to join forces against them and reveal all their embarrassing secrets. Remember to keep it good-natured and know where to draw the line. Because, you could be the one on the hot seat next year!    

Enjoy Your Family Traditions
Traditions bring back memories from the past and create new memories. Whether it’s a favorite  holiday dish, a special church service, or when you open presents,  embrace the nostalgia of your family’s holiday traditions. And if there are new people or new ideas, you may even consider creating some new traditions.

Appreciate Your Family
You may not have as much in common with your family as you do with your friends who really “get you.” But in a few years, you might have a whole new set of friends. But, you’ll still be sharing the holidays and other important occasions with your family. Appreciate the fact that you’re all in this for the long haul and enjoy your family exactly as they are.

Take Action: Share a Favorite Holiday Tradition or Story
(And I do wish you a Very Happy Holiday and New Year!)

It’s normal to feel shaken after last Friday’s school shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary. It makes you question everything.

I’m sorry to say I don’t have a lot of answers. Other than to say there are very sick people in the world who do very sick things. But that is little comfort.

But, I believe there is comfort to be found by 1) taking meaningful action 2) living your best life.

Take Meaningful Action

This is a very personal choice. You could find meaning in giving to a charity for needy children this holiday. You might choose to call your congressman or the President and ask what they will do to prevent more shootings. If you have school-aged children, you might reach out to the school and other parents to create a community of support and action around this issue. Or it could be as simple as posting something on facebook or twitter that engages others in meaningful dialogue.

There’s no right or wrong. it’s whatever feels meaningful to you. Whatever gives you a sense that you are doing something to be part of the solution.

Live Your Best Life

As we learn more about what actually happened that day, it’s easy to be overwhelmed by grief and sadness. And this can leave you feeling uncomfortable about enjoying what is good in your life. You might even feel like it’s wrong to celebrate the holidays — like you shouldn’t really enjoy the festivities and celebrations.

That’s “survivor guilt.”  And giving up your joy won’t change what has happened. But, you can let it change YOU. 

I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions. But, this is a good time of year to reflect on your life and where you are. Is this the life you are truly called to live? Are you being your authentic self? Are you happy with the people and relationships in your life?  

If you are living your authentic life, then good for you! You are ahead of most people. If you are struggling to be your authentic self or to live your best life, ask yourself — What am I so afraid of? And then — How can I be more fearless?

Now is not the time to shrink. Now is the time to go big or go home. Reach for the stars. Dream big dreams. Go for it! We’re all very aware at this moment how precious life is. And none of us really knows how much time we have.

You honor those who lost their lives by 1) taking meaningful action so you are part of the solution 2) being authentically you and living your best life.

I love this quote from Marianne Williamson: 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

You are awesome and amazing. And the world needs your light now more than ever. Let it shine bright for all to see. 

Take Action:
Share a step you’ve taken or would like to take toward 1) meaningful action to be part of the solution or 2) being authentically you and living your best life

The holidays can be challenging if you’re single. But, it’s also a great time to meet someone new!

You’re out and about more. You’re seeing people you haven’t seen in a while… So, how do you maximize those holiday opportunities?

Just Say “YES!”
Whether it’s a work party, a family party, a friend’s party… when those holiday invites start rolling in, just say “yes! “You never knew where you might meet someone really interesting. And when it’s time for the party, get yourself up and out the door!

Host Your Own Holiday Get-Together
Have your own party and invite your single friends. Tell each of them to bring their single friends. This is a great way to meet quality singles, because you and your friends have already pre-screened everyone!

Practice Flirting
Remember to smile and make eye-contact even if it’s just for a second. That’s how you let a good guy know you’re open to being approached. And men, remember to give her a second to figure out that you’re smiling at her. But, when she does smile back, that’s when it’s time to make your move (Whaling, 2001).

Run Away from Your “Type”
If a relationship with your type hasn’t worked in the past, there’s a good chance it won’t work in the future. Because that kind of initial chemistry just means they’re a perfect fit for all that hard-wiring in your brain from your family-of-origin (Lewis, Amini, & Lannon). So if you don’t want a repeat of your past relationships. Or you don’t want the kind of relationships you saw growing up, initial chemistry may not be your friend. (You can still have chemistry, it just may take a few dates to kick in.)

Turn the Tables
It’s inevitable. There are some people that you only see during the holidays. And somehow they can never resist asking, “So are you seeing anyone?” But, this is your opportunity to put them to work. Let them know that you’re not currently with anyone. But, if they know of someone good, you’d be open to being set-up. (This works great, as long as your potential “matchmaker” has a good relationship of their own. Otherwise, you don’t want someone who is a bad picker picking someone for you!) 

Take Action: 
If you’re in the L.A. area, join us this Saturday, December 8, 2012 for How to Meet Someone this Holiday Season,  

References:

Lewis, T., Amini, F., & Lannon, R. (2006). A General Theory of Love. New York: Random.

Whaling, A. (2000-2002). Sunday Night Singles. Pasadena, CA.

At our recent Online Dating talk, people were surprised to hear that it’s best to keep emailing, texting, and calling to a minimum. Otherwise, you’re falling in love with a fantasy. And if it doesn’t work out when you finally meet, it can feel like breaking up.

This also applies to Offline Dating. If there’s a a lot of emailing, texting and calling, before you know it — you’re in a relationship. The only problem is you don’t really know someone for the first 3-6 months, which is mostly infatuation.

It’s like you’re on drugs in terms of your brain chemistry. So you can easily miss the red flags. That’s why it’s better to take it slow and date lots of different people.

Andy Whaling’s (2001) dating advice includes: 1) date three people 2) space your dates three weeks apart 3) Keep it light on the first date (no talking about religion, health issues or the ex)  and 4) Hang out in places where people share your values. Then when you meet someone you like, you’ve already got the important things in common.

Terry Gorski’s dating tips emphasize building the relationship in stages (Gorski, 1996). Can you hang out together. Do you enjoy certain shared activities? Are you good friends? Do you have romance? Are you both ready for a commitment?

But, here’s the tricky part. It’s also important to know what your type is and when you meet someone you’re really attracted to — RUN AWAY!

Because if chemistry hasn’t worked for you in the past, there’s a good chance it won’t work for you in the future. Initial attraction means the person has hit all the hard-wiring in your brain from your family-of-origin relationships (Lewis, Amini, & Lannon, 2006) So, unless you want a repeat of your past relationships, chemistry may not be your friend.

That doesn’t mean you have to live without passion, it just may take time to develop. But, the key is – it will be real. Because it’s based on who you really are and who they really are. So, it’s not gonna fade once infatuation wears off. It can actually get better.

And this doesn’t mean you have to go for someone you find unattractive.  A good rule of thumb is — There are the 10% you’re dying to kiss, the 10% you’d die if you had to kiss… the 80% in the middle that’s where you want to date.

References

Gorski, T. (1993). Getting Love Right: Learning the choices of healthy intimacy. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Lewis, T., Amini, F., & Lannon, R. (2006). A General Theory of Love. New York: Random.

Whaling, Sunday Night Singles, 2002. Pasadena, CA.

Are you tired of meeting people who aren’t who they appeared to  be online? Or are you nervous about how to screen out the ones  you don’t want? Do you have a profile that is attracting the kind  of men (or women) you’d like to have a relationship with?

Everyone is dating online. And some sites give great  results.

I HAVE SEVERAL FRIENDS WHO MET THEIR HUSBANDS ONLINE!

But, you have to know which sites to use and how to “read between the lines.” And you need a profile that expresses who you really are and attracts someone you really want!

I hope you’ll join me this Saturday for:

Online Dating: How to  Screen Out the Ones You Don’t Want and Find the ONE You Do Want!

You can even bring copies of your online dating profile and we’ll  give you feedback!
And feel free to bring a friend or forward this to anyone who you  think might be interested. :)

ONLINE DATING: Screen Out the Ones You Don’t Want and Find the  One You Do Want!
Saturday, November 10
3:00 – 4:30 p.m.
150 E. Meda Ave., Suite 110
Glendora, CA 91741 

For more info. and/or to register, go to  http://drvondie.com/events/relationship-seminars

A funny thing happened on the way to this article in L.A. Parent magazine. I was almost on the news talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 60-Minutes interview.

The day after the 60-Minutes interview, I got a call asking: 1) Was I available to do the news that night? 2) Had I seen Arnold’s interview?

They wanted a Marriage & Family Therapist to discuss his comments about his marriage and infidelity. But, I had to have watched the interview.

I let them know I was available. And I had watched Arnold’s interview! So, we were on!

I got the call just before 5 pm. And they wanted me for the 6:00 news in about an hour. I had a 5:00 client, so I couldn’t make it in time. But, we agreed they would come to my office in Glendora at 8pm. That would still give them enough time to get the segment on the 10 or 11:00 news that night.

I didn’t know if I would be met by a camera crew or if I would be interviewed by an actual reporter. But, either way — I was really excited.

I had let my professional organization know earlier in the year that I was available to talk to the media. But, this was the first time they were actually calling me. I had media training so I knew I needed to make myself “camera ready” and have a quick bite to eat. My “wardrobe” was already picked out and hanging in the closet, for just such an occasion.

I raced home after my client and shared the big news with my husband, Henry. I was telling him about the call and eating my dinner standing up in our kitchen, when I got an email on my phone. The reporter was running behind and wasn’t gonna make it. He was on a live shoot and there just wasn’t enough time.

Of course I was disappointed. But, I’ve learned things happen very quickly in the media world. So, I didn’t take it personally. There were some back and forth phone calls, while I waited to see if they wanted me to meet them at the studio.

During those calls, I was asked — Would I ever be available for the weekend morning news? I would need to be at the studio at 4:30 am to be on between 5 and 7. I might have gasped when I heard 4:30. But, I also let them know I would love to do it. We also discussed other possible opportunities for the future.

We left it where I would only get another call if they decided they wanted me to come to the studio. And I didn’t hear anything else that night.

But, later in the week, I got an email asking if I would like to help out with an article about the holidays and money. I was thrilled they had something else for me so soon. So, of course I said, “Yes.”

So, here it is. My first magazine article, Don’t Let the Grinch Ruin Your Family’s Holiday. I hope you enjoy it. :)

And stay tuned.* You never know where I may pop up next!

*For real-time updates and behind-the-scenes details on my media adventures, LIKE my facebook page or Follow me on twitter. 

* And click here to find out where you can pick up a copy of L.A. Parent magazine

Halloween isn’t just for kids. It can be a great way to have some fun and meet someone new. But, it’s important to remember your Halloween Do’s and Don’ts:

Don’t plan a first date for Halloween. It’s awkward enough trying to be yourself in the beginning. The last thing you want is to meet someone for the first time – in costume.

Do wear a fun and flirtatious costume. But, know where to draw the line. A costume that reveals too much can give the wrong impression. (And guys, it’s okay to dress up for Halloween. Just make sure your costume’s not too aggressive or scary. And don’t dress up as a woman, for obvious reasons.)

Do get as much mileage out of your costume as possible. Wear it to parties, school, work (if appropriate). It can be a great conversation starter.

Do go to a friend or family member’s Halloween party. Remember, meeting someone through friends or family can be a great way to find a quality person. They do some of the pre-screening for you.

Do bring a wing-man or wing-woman to a Halloween party. Otherwise, all those masked people can feel a little intimidating. Also, it’s easy to take on a character when you’re in costume. But, having a friend along will keep you grounded, so you won’t do anything you’ll regret.

Do have fun! There’s nothing more attractive that someone who’s enjoying themself. (And when guys are asked what they find sexy, it’s “confidence.”) So, rock that costume. And have a good time!

We all know television isn’t real. Or do we?

A study released last week on TV and Marriage  ”found that people who believe the unrealistic portrayals on TV are actually less committed to their spouses and think their alternatives to their spouse are relatively attractive.”

In other words, people get unrealistic ideas about love and relationships. That makes them less committed and looking for something better “out there.”

Sometime it’s good to get a reality check.

1. TV romances are the adult version of a fairy tale. We all love a happy ending. But, it’s important to remember it’s just a story.
2. TV romances are not reality. On television everyone is beautiful. Everything happens quickly. Relationships blossom and/or conflicts are resolved in 30-60 minutes.
3. Real people don’t look like actors. Even actors don’t look that good in real life. Real relationships take time to develop. Real relationship conflicts take time to work through.
4. It’s better to not compare your relationship with the glossy television version of a relationship. If you have to compare, look at the relationships of those close to you. You will see they have their share of bumps and hurdles, too.
5. You can have a happy ending. But, your relationship will probably have some ups and downs, too. That’s perfectly normal. In fact, overcoming obstacles and getting through tough times together are often the most meaningful aspects of real relationships. But, that story line may be too complex to fit into a 30-60 minute show.

So, the next time you’re tempted to compare your relationship to something you’ve seen on TV– remember, it’s not real. But, your relationship is.

Choosing a life-partner is a big deal. So, it’s normal to have some “nerves” as you get ready for the big day. But, when “nerves” turn into doubts, what does that mean? And what can you do about it?

UCLA released a study this month, “Should I Marry Him?” that “demonstrates that pre-wedding uncertainty, especially among women, predicts higher divorce rates and less marital satisfaction years later.”

They found that the men in the study had doubts too. But, their doubts didn’t indicate as much of a problem. Men are less commitment-oriented than women, so maybe a little cold feet for them is normal.

But, women who had uncertainty about getting married had higher levels of divorce. And couples where both husband and wife had pre-wedding uncertainty had the highest divorce rates of all.

So, what’s the moral of the story? If you have doubts about getting married, pay attention. And this especially applies to women.

So, how do you know if he is the one?

5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Marry Him:

1. Do you have shared or compatible values? Values can include: religion, culture, how you spend money, etc. Your values don’t have to be identical. But, it works better if you’re not too far apart (ie. you’re eco-friendly and all about “sustainable living” and he doesn’t believe in global warming).
2. Do you have a shared vision of the life you want to build together? It’s important to know if you share life goals – like having a family, a career, owning a home; and how you’ll balance all those things together. You’ll continue to have discussions about these issues throughout your marriage. But, the more you talk about them before you get married, the better.
3. Are you good friends? Besides loving each other, it’s important to really trust, respect, and like each other.
4. When you disagree, can you find a way so you both get what you need? It’s important to be able to deal with conflict so both of you win, instead of a winner-take-all strategy.
5. Do you still have romance and passion? The beginning of a relationship is mostly chemistry and infatuation. But, once the infatuation wears off, do you still share romance and passion?

No relationships’s perfect. And nobody wants to end up a statistic. But, if you have shared values, a shared vision of your life together, you’re good friends, you can work out your differences, and you have romance and passion you’ve definitely stacked the odds in your favor.

Do you ever feel like a past relationship is holding you back?
Do you find yourself stuck in relationship patterns from your family-of-origin?
Would you like a chance to let it all go?

I hope you’ll join me for:

How to Let Go of the Past So You Can Get Started on Your Future!

• We’ll talk about how your past relationships and family-of-origin issues get in the way of finding love
• We’ll explore the stages of grief/grieving in any break-up and where you may be in that process
• You’ll cut out pictures from magazines to represent the things you’ve lost or would like to let go of (bring old magazines if you have them and we’ll bring some too :)
• You’ll place those pictures on a posterboard (we’ll provide the posterboards)
• You can also include pictures of what you’d like to have in your life and in a relationship
• You’ll have a chance to share your board and hear from others
• There will be a guided imagery to help you let go of what you don’t want and create what you do want!

Here’s a video clip from a past workshop…

I can’t wait to see you there!

How to Let Go of the Past So You Can Get Started on Your Future!
Oct. 6, 2012, 2 p.m. - 4 p.m.
150 E. Meda Ave., Suite 110
Glendora, CA 91741
Cost: $47
VIP Discount: $37 (if registered by Oct. 4)

I recently read the article, All the Single Ladies. The author, Kate Bolick, makes the point that it can be hard to find a good husband in a bad economy.

Is it the Economy or Something Else?
It’s true that men usually need to feel like they can provide before they’re ready to get married. 

But, Ms. Bolick, also shares that when she was growing up her mother discouraged her from getting married. Today Ms. Bolick is 39 and still single. She would like to get married and maybe even have a child. But, she’s not optimistic about her prospects.  

My heart goes out to Ms. Bolick. It’s normal to want someone to share your life with. And historical and economical factors can make it harder to find love. But, more often, it’s our own personal history that gets in the way.

What’s Really Keeping You Single    
We all know our families affect our relationships and our relationship choices. But, sometimes we don’t realize how deep it goes. If you’re single and you feel like you just can’t find love, at some level you may have learned that it’s not good to get too close to someone. At some level you may believe – it’s better to stay single. You may actually have a fear of intimacy.

Part of You Wants to Get Married
I know, this sounds crazy. Because you want to be loved and you want to get married. And that’s true. Or at least partly true. Part of you wants to get married. But, part of you may be holding on to being single. You may have experienced one or more of the following:

• One or both of your parents telling you why marriage is bad or its better to be single
• You saw one or both of your parents unhappy in the marriage
• Your parents got divorced 
• Your parents weren’t there for you 

So, part of you really wants to get married. But, part of you believes that you would be giving something up. Maybe you’re afraid you’d have the same marriage your parents had. Or you’re afraid you’ll get divorced. Or you’re worried you won’t get what you need. It’s a little different for everybody. But, the part that’s the same is that feeling deep down that it’s safer to just be single.  

You Can Create the Kind of Marriage that’s Right for You!
So, what’s a girl (or guy) to do?  First you have to discover what those family messages are and then you can change them. This is usually done through counseling* or some sort of family-of-origin work. You can also make these kinds of changes in a support or 12-step group. 

Then you get to decide what kind of partner or marriage would be right for you. You get to make your own choices, instead of living out your parents’ messages about love and marriage. You can have a marriage that makes your life bigger instead of smaller. You can love someone and get your needs met. 

And what could be better than that?

I was genuinely happy to hear Jennifer Aniston is engaged. It was so hard to watch the very painful, public break-up of her first marriage. So I wish her all the best. I also wanted to share — what to expect when getting married for the second time.

“Cold Feet” Doesn’t Make You a Runaway Bride

If you’re divorced, getting engaged can be both exciting and scary. On the one hand, you can’t wait to start your life with your new love. But, it can also bring up painful feelings from your first marriage and divorce.

Any time you do something that reminds you of your first engagement, wedding, or marriage you may revisit those old memories.

That’s why you may get “cold feet” at times. It doesn’t mean you’re gonna be a runaway bride. It just means that even though you’re ecstatic about getting married, part of you is also afraid of getting hurt again.

What Can You Do? 

• Make sure you’ve healed from your first marriage and divorce. This means doing your grieving and also understanding what happened in your marriage. Because the last thing you want is to chose the same type of person or repeat those same relationship patterns.
• Whenever possible make choices that are different from your first wedding. This can include the dress you chose, the wedding ceremony, the reception, etc. That way, instead of revisiting old memories, you and your fiance will be making your own new memories.
• Let yourself feel all your feelings. Feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are. It doesn’t mean you love your fiance less, if you feel sad about your first marriage and divorce.
• Remind yourself that you have grown. You have healed and you are a different person than you were in your last marriage. You have learned how to make better choices. So you can trust yourself and your fiance.
• Get premarital counseling. Counseling will help you and your fiance lay a solid foundation so you can get a fresh start together.
• Be grateful that you don’t have to obsess as much. This time, you know that your relationship is far more important than all those wedding details.
• Live, Laugh, Love. Enjoy yourself and your new love on your big day and every day after!

(And Congratulations Jennifer and Justin!)

*photo courtesy of Helga Esteb / Shutterstock.com

According to People magazine, Katie broke up with Tom on the phone and caught him completely by surprise. Most break-ups aren’t quite that sudden. But, it did get me thinking… What are the rules for breaking up? And – Can you ever stay friends with your ex?

Should You Stay Friends?
If they initiated the break-up, it’s really hard to stay friends. Because deep down you still really want to be with them. And if you initiated the break-up, its not fair to expect the other person to be able to just be friends. Because they’re probably still in love with you.

If you watched this summer’s Breaking Pointe, the behind-the-scenes show about Salt Lake City’s Ballet West, you know what I mean. It was just painful watching Rex getting strung along by Allison.

Why “Friendly” Works Better than “Friends”
There’s nothing wrong with being friendly if you run into each other. And it’s especially important to be on good terms if you have kids together, share the same social circle, or work together. Though at first, polite may be the best you can do.

But, it’s usually best to keep your contact to a minimum. Just have the necessary conversations and attend the required events. But no hanging out just the two of you. No shared holidays or vacations. (Bruce Willis and Demi Moore are not normal! To spend holidays with your ex and their new love would be hard for most people. And it can also be confusing to the kids.)

Don’t Sabotage Your New Love
Julia Allison, the Los Angeles based dating columnist on Bravo’s MissAdvised;-) likes to stay friends with all her ex-es. And I can see her point. It’s unnatural to cut someone off, after you’ve shared so much. But, it’s also not natural to bring someone new into your life, when you’ve got all your ex-es hanging around. Who’s gonna want to share you with all your past loves?

As the Relationship Goes, So Goes the Break-Up
It can be really hard to be polite, let alone friendly, after a bad relationship and break-up. But, if the relationship was pretty healthy overall, the break-up is usually more manageable. And that makes it easier to stay friendly.
 
Are There Any ”Rules” for Breaking-Up?

• Do it Face-to Face
  The worst is when they disappear and you never hear from them again. It’s also pretty awful to hear that it’s over via a post-it (Sex and the City), text, email or call. Of course, if you can’t do it face-to-face, a call or text is better than nothing.
• Use “I” Statements
  “I don’t want to go out anymore.”  (Not: ”You’re not what I’m looking for.” OUCH)
• Don’t Explain Why
  When breaking-up, less is definitely more. It never helps to give someone a list of all the reasons you don’t want to be with them. First of all, that can be hurtful. And second, it gives them hope that if they can change those things they might still have a chance.
• Make a Clean Break
  Don’t try to wean yourself off gradually. It never works. And don’t keep tabs on them via facebook, twitter, etc. Any contact (even virtual contact) keeps you releasing bonding hormones that make it harder to move on. Plus, there’s always the risk of getting re-involved. And definitely no break-up sex!

With all the news about Tom and Katie’s break-up, it got me thinking… Celebrity has its perks, but when it comes to relationships, celebrities may actually be at a disadvantage.

Sex, Drugs, & Rock ‘n’ Roll
If you’ve ever watched HBO’s Entourage, you get a sense of how much temptation there really is for celebrities. Sex, drugs and pretty much whatever they want is instantly available.

That’s not the kind of environment that’s conducive to meeting someone you could have a real relationship with. A real relationship requires an investment of time and energy. It’s a give-and-take; not something you order up like room service.

What Happens on Location…
It’s no secret that celebrities travel a lot and that’s hard on relationships. But, there are special challenges when they’re away on location. It’s like being in a time-warp or bubble. Sometimes for months on end. The days are long. And the work is hard. Not to mention love-scenes, which complicate things on a whole other level.

It all creates a “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”  mindset. It’s like being on vacation from your relationship. Except what happens on location has real life consequences.

Extended separations are hard  on a relationship. According to Louann Brizendine (The Female Brain, 2006), daily closeness and physical contact keeps the attachment hormones flowing. And men need the physical contact even more than women. Without that regular close contact, you actually go through withdrawals from the feel-good hormones that love releases in your brain. This doesn’t excuse bad behavior. But, it does explain the risks when long separations are a regular part of a relationship.

Life in the Spotlight
People magazine is one of my guilty pleasures. But, I also realize it contributes to the paparazzi machine and celebrities’ complete lack of privacy.

How can a celebrity ever casually get to know someone when everything they do is broadcast to the whole world? And yet – hanging out and getting to know each other in a low-key setting is an important part of building a healthy relationship (Gorski, Getting Love Right, 1995).

And once you’re in a relationship, there will always be bumps and rough patches. But, when normal relationship issues are publicly dissected and scrutinized, everything gets blown out of proportion. Not to mention, when things are taken out of context or there are outright lies.

Larger Than Life
There’s no denying that celebrities have big personalities. That’s part of what makes them good at what they do. But, sometimes those qualities — being dramatic or being the center of attention — can get in the way of a good relationship.

And two celebrities in a relationship means twice the drama and twice the spotlight. Unless one takes a back-seat to the other. But that can also put stress on the relationship. And choosing someone who’s not in the industry has its own challenges, especially for the person who’s not used to the spotlight.

How Do They Do It?
There are celebrity couples that seem to have found a way to make it work. There was Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. There’s Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. Plus, Stephen Spielberg and Kate Capshaw. Hmmm… those are the main ones I can think of right now. Oh yea, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett! (But, not sure what’s really going on with them lately?)

But, they’re out there – celebrity couples who are in good relationships that last. They just seem to be the exception rather than the rule. So, instead of asking, ”Why don’t celebrity relationships last?” When couples do make it work, maybe the real question is, ”How do they do it?”

I thought it might be fun to share “10 Things You May Not Know About Me.” I’ll also be adding them to my My Story page on the blog.

Right now, I have ”12 Things.” So, if you have any favorites, I’d love your input and comments!

1. I met my husband swing-dancing at Pasadena Ballroom Dance Association.

2. I also love country dancing, especially the 2-step. And I have to admit, I sometimes do line-dancing.

3. The other member of my “pack” is my dog, Mia. Here’s a puppy pic. Though she’s all grown up now.

4. I had a welsh pony growing up. My sister and I wished for a pony whenever we got a ”wish-bone.” And it worked!

5. I have a secret otter obsession. I especially love watching them in the wild.

6. I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area. As a teenager, it was great to hang out in the City and do all the touristy stuff for free. (Though it wasn’t always the safest place for a beginning driver!)

7. I’ve done 2 “Ropes” courses, where I climbed up a tree and walked across a rope or jumped off a pole 25 feet above the ground. (Afterward, I felt like I could do anything!)

8. My favorite T.V. shows are: Modern Family, Survivor, Grey’s Anatomy, and Millionaire Matchmaker, to name a few. And I’m really going to miss Curb Your Enthusiasm.

9. I am an official member of the Kusa Nunahi Tribal Band of Cherokee Indians. I’m actually a pretty interesting mix of Mexican-American, English, Irish, French and Cherokee Indian.

10. I’m hooked on hypnosis. I love how it helps you figure out exactly what you want. Then it helps you get there!

11. I’m a “Younger Next Year” amateur exerciser. YNY suggests you work out “hard” 45 minutes, 6 days a week. (I’ve had a couple set-backs with injuries this year. But, I’m working my way back!)

12. I love the saying, ”Live, Laugh, Love.” ♥

Now it’s your turn. I’d love to hear some things I may not know about you!

I recently contributed to an article in the Wall Street Journal, Need Space in a Relationship? Just Don’t Say it That Way.

I was talking about how two people are never going to want the same amount of closeness or space all the time. And that applies to dating, too. One person usually needs to take it slower. And the other person usually wants to jump right in. When you understand your different needs, you can get the space and the closeness you really want!

Personality Differences
When it comes to personality styles, you’re usually attracted to your opposite. (Kerisey & Bates, 1984). If you’re more introverted, you prefer one-on-one time together. And you need time alone to recharge your batteries. If you’re more extroverted, you prefer big groups and activities with lots of people. And you need time with people to recharge your batteries.

So, an introvert might enjoy an intimate dinner for two, with lots of personal sharing. While an extrovert might enjoy a date to the fair or a concert, with lots of people around and minimal time sharing. An introvert might need more time alone. While, an extrovert might get overwhelmed with too much intense one-on-one sharing. Both need space, but in different ways.

Different  Closeness-Distance Styles
Some people build relationships very slowly and are cautious about getting too close, too fast. While others want more closeness and tend to jump into a relationship really fast, right away. 

It helps to remember that both people want closeness. But, people who crave closeness usually didn’t get enough closeness growing up. So, they’re afraid they’re gonna lose the relationship. People who need more space often felt hurt growing up. So, they want closeness, they just don’t want to get hurt again.  If you can take it slow, you can build up trust that you can both get what you need. 

Family-of-Origin Backgrounds
If you had the kind of family where everyone was in everyone else’s business and there wasn’t a lot of personal space, that’s what love feels like to you. If your family emphasized privacy and lots of time and space for yourself, that’s what love feels like to you.

As long as neither family was really extreme, there’s no good or bad.   In fact people tend to gravitate towards their opposites in terms of family style.

Tips if You Need More Space:

• Ask for the Space You Need. Otherwise, you’ll just end up running away.
• Be Specific.  ie. “I’d love to get together again. But, I need to go slow. How about next week?”
• Don’t Feel Guilty. It’s okay to go at the pace that feels right to you.
• Pay Attention. If they don’t respect your timing or your needs for space, that’s a red flag.
• Don’t Go Too Slow. And don’t take too much space. Otherwise, you can forget the things liked about the other person and lose interest all together.  (Shaver, 2008).
• Remember, Opposites Attract. If the other person came from a big noisy family, that’s not a bad thing. In fact, in can be kind of fun at times.

Tips if You Need  More Closeness:

• Never Try to Force Closeness.  Don’t try to push the other person to go faster than they’re ready for. You’ll just push them further away.  But, if you respect their pace and timing, they’ll feel safe and be able to move closer to you.
• Remember, They May Need You More. The person who needs more space may actually need love more. They’re just afraid of getting hurt.
• Don’t Lash Out. If they’re not ready to get serious or make a commitment when you are, lashing out will just confirm their fears that it’s not safe to get too close to you.
• Reach Out to Friends. Or  do an extroverted group activity to meet some of your needs for people.
• Pay Attention. If the other person is frequently backing-up or jumping out of the relationship, that’s different. That’s a red flag. But, if they’re slowly moving forward, that’s a good sign that they’re trusting you more and more.
• Remember, Opposites Attract. If the other person needs more privacy, that’s not a bad thing. And you might even find you enjoy a little time and space to yourself every once in a while.

The most important thing to remember is that you can find a way to work out your different needs for space and closeness. You can build trust with each other. And that can be very healing for both of you. If you need more space, you can learn that it’s safe to get closer. And you won’t get hurt. And if you need more closeness, you can learn that the other person may need space at times. But, they’re really not going anywhere.

References:

Keirsey, D. & Bates, M. (1984). Please Understand Me: Character & temperament types. Del Mar, California: Prometheus

Shaver, Phil. (2008, November). Romantic Love, Caregiving and Sex: Implications of attachment research for couple therapy. Keeping Love Alive: Desire, monogamy and the neurobiology of intimate attachments. The Fourth Anatomy of Intimacy Conference. Sponsored by the Department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior, UCI, and the Foundation for the Contemporary Family in collaboration with the Lifespan Learning Institute. UC Irvine.

We all love our smart phones. It’s great having instant access to friends, family and even work all in one place.

But, there is a down-side to 24/7 access when it comes to dating.

The first 3-6 months of a relationship is mostly infatuation. So, slower is usually better. And constant contact can fast-track you right into a relationship before you really know the other person.

Here are 7 tips to keep your smart phone from sabotaging your dating life:

#1 Keep it to 3-6 Emails When Dating Online
If you’re meeting people online, communicate via the dating site. And keep it to 3-6 contacts/emails before you talk on the phone (Whaling, 2001).  Sooner is rushing it. And If you go slower, you could end up with a pen-pal.

#2 Don’t Give Out Your Personal Email
Email can be especially seductive, because it feels anonymous. You can end up sharing way too much too soon. It’s easy to see how people fall in love online. Except it’s all a fantasy, which may or may not be real.

#3 Keep Your Phone Calls Brief
Your calls should just be a few minutes of visiting and setting up each date. No 2-hour phone calls sharing your life story. Remember, in the beginning, it’s the illusion of closeness. Real closeness takes time. And don’t forget to keep your dates 2-3 weeks apart (see How to Avoid Dead-End Relationships).

#4 No Texting Between Dates 
This is probably the hardest. If you can’t stick to no-texting, keep it to just one or two texts between dates. Because, if you’re texting each other all day or even a few times a week, you’re in a relationship. And then you can’t see anyone else. When you really need to be dating lots of different people (see How to Avoid Dead-End Relationships).

#5 Don’t Accept Their “Friend” Request
If you’re just dating, it’s too soon to give them that much access to your world.  One way around this – fb now offers different categories for “close friend, “friend” or ”acquaintance”. But, you have to remember to designate who you want to see what!

#6 Be Really Careful with Sharing Your Location
It’s fun to “check-in” on fb and share where you are on twitter. But, be careful, especially with places you go regularly; like work, the gym and obviously home!

#7 Don’t Put Anything Online that You Wouldn’t Write on a Postcard
A techie friend told me this. And I thought he was being a little paranoid. This would mean – email, text, chat, IM, fb, twitter, etc. Then I googled myself and saw an old email a guy sent me via my college alumni site. There it was for the whole world to read!

Whaling, A. (2000-2002). Sunday Night Singles. Pasadena, CA.

Don’t Waste Your Time
The last thing you want to do is spend a lot of time in a relationship that’s going nowhere.

You spend a few months getting to know them. You fall in love. You’re together for a year or two. Things don’t work out. You break-up. And then you spend another year recovering before you’re ready to date again.

You’ve just lost a couple years (or more!) of your life and now you’re back to the beginning. Andy Whaling, MFT calls this serial monogamy. You’re dating one person at a time, over and over.

Date Lots of Different People
Andy says it’s a “numbers game.”  Instead of wasting a lot of time on one person, you want to date a lot of different people. And you want to you go slow enough that you don’t get attached before you really know them. That way,  if it doesn’t work out, you just stop dating them. That’s it.  No horrible break-up. No down-time recovering. And you get to keep dating the other people you were seeing, while you were seeing them. No time off the dating market.

Don’t Put All Your Eggs in One Basket
Andy recommends dating 3 people at a time. And spreading your dates 3 weeks apart. Because if you’re going out weekly, that’s a relationship. This also helps you go slow (no getting physical). And it keeps you from getting overly focused on one person. Remember it takes 3-6 months for infatuation to wear off. So, before then, it’s mostly hormones. That’s why it doesn’t make sense to become exclusive with one person right away.

Smile and Make Eye Contact
How does Andy suggest you find 3 people to date? Women — you have to let men know you’re open to being approached. Remember to smile and make eye contact. Men — you have to read her signals and wait for that opening. If you smile at a woman, give her a couple minutes to smile back. It may take her a minute to realize you’re actually smiling at her. She might even look away at first (to see who she thinks you’re smiling at).  But, if she smiles back, that’s a sign that she’s open to being approached.

Become a Dating Machine
You’ll be amazed how many people you’ll meet once you start smiling and making eye-contact. The other thing Andy recommends is to change your dating criteria. The only requirements for a first date are 1) You wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with them in public and 2) They’re age-appropriate (not old enough to be your parent or child)  That’s it. You can find out the rest once you start going out with them.

Do You Want to Get to Know Them Better?
The best part about dating more is you’ll get lots of practice. So, when you do meet someone interesting, you’ll feel more comfortable. You’ll know what to do and say. You’ll be able to just be yourself. And you’ll know how to take it slow. And you get to decide when you’re ready to take it to the next level. (For more on this, see 5 Steps to Building a Healthy Relationship)

Whaling, A. (2000-2002).  Sunday Night Singles.  Pasadena, CA.

So how do you find a healthy relationship?  The best way to do this is to develop the relationship slowly, step-by-step.

Teri Gorski’s, Getting Love Right (1993)  is one of the best books on this subject.  Gorski describes how to build the relationship one stage or level at a time.

1.  Can You Hang Out Together?
Gorski calls this the Acquaintanceship stage.  This is the stage of casual contact, when you’re just getting to know each other.  You’re just sharing basic information.  And you’re finding out if the other person will treat you with common courtesy and respect.

If you tend to get intense right away, this step is extra important.  In a long-term relationship, things aren’t always intense.  Most of your time will be spent in the day-to-day routine of life.  It’s important to be comfortable enjoying each other’s company in a low-key way.

2.  Do You Have Stuff in Common?
In Goski’s Companionship stage, you’re discovering if you have any shared hobbies or interests.  You don’t have to have everything in common.  But, it definitely helps if you have some things you like doing together.

This is also when you start to share your friends and your worlds with each other.  If they don’t introduce you to their friends or share some of their hobbies or interests with you, it might mean they don’t have any (which is a red flag).  Or it could mean they are intentionally keeping you out of their life (an even bigger red flag — they may be hiding something).

3.  Are You Friends?
In Gorski’s Friendship stage, you begin to share on a deeper level.  You share more of who you are, your feelings and your values.  And you get to see how they respond?  Do they listen?  Do they care?  Are they respectful?  You also get to see if they share.  And when they do, it’s your turn to be respectful and and caring.

Each new stage adds another layer of depth to your relationship.  And that makes it safe to move to the next level.

4.  Do You Have Passion?
Developing the relationship slowly is especially important before moving on to Gorski’s next stage, Romantic Love.  That’s how you know if the other person is safe before you have sex.   If you have sex in the beginning, when it’s mostly infatuation, you don’t really know each other.  Or as Gorski says, “You’re having sex with a stranger,” which can be exciting, but also dangerous (p. 212).

Plus, when you wait to have sex, your passion is based on who they really are and who you really are.  So, the attraction isn’t going to wear off once you really get to know them.  (In fact, there can be more passion because you have more trust.  And that enables you to be freer with each other.)

5.  Are You Ready to Build a Life Together?
Gorski’s last stage is  Committed Love.  This is when you decide that you want to stay together.  You enjoy being together.  You have things in common.  You care about each other.  And you have passion.   So you commit to working things out and sticking around when things get tough.  You decide to make a long-term permanent commitment to each other.

It’s normal to be a little bit afraid, because love is always a risk.  But, it doesn’t have to be a risk taken on blind faith.  Since you’ve built your relationship one step at a time, you really know each other.  So, your commitment is less like jumping off a cliff and more like stepping off a curb — into your new life together.

Gorski, T. (1993). Getting Love Right: Learning the choices of healthy intimacy. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Whether it’s in the line at Starbucks or when the waitress brings the check. At some point you have to decide — who pays for the first date?

The Man Usually Pays
I hate to say it, because it sounds so traditional.  But, most of the time the woman expects and the man assumes he will pay.

What if She Asked Him?
It doesn’t matter.  She might offer to pay.  But, the consensus from the women in my classes was – if he let her pay, she probably wouldn’t go out with him again.  I KNOW — REALLY SEXIST!

How Can a Man Afford to Date?
It’s not really fair if you’re a guy.  Especially in today’s economy!  But, it doesn’t have to be an expensive first date.  In fact it’s better if your first date is something low-key like coffee or lunch.  (See First Date Tips to Leave Them Wanting More)

I have to admit, some of the women at my seminars are willing to pay.  They’re not as young as the grad students in my classes.  Maybe that’s why they’re more understanding.  Or maybe they’ve had to adjust their expectations.

But, regardless, most women prefer for the man to pay.  I think it goes back to the ”provider” thing.  It makes a woman feel taken care of.

Avoiding the Awkward Moments
So, how do you navigate the logistics?  Whether it’s buying her coffee or reaching for the check, a simple “I’ve got this” says it all.

And remember, this is just for the first date.  If you continue to see each other, it’s nice for her to start pitching in at some point.

It doesn’t have to be: ”Let’s split the bill.  I had the salad.  You had the chicken.”
It can be:  ”You got dinner.  How about if I get the movie?”
Or:  ”You’ve taken me out several times.  Maybe I could bring a picnic or make you dinner next time?”

It shows that she appreciates his generosity.  And she’s aware that he’s not made of money.

Being a Gracious Guest
And I don’t know if this is still true, but traditionally a woman wouldn’t go for the most expensive item on the menu.  I know it’s old school.  But, she would be sensitive to the fact that she is his guest.  And she would order something in the middle price range.

A First and Last Date Story
I remember a first date where all I ordered was soup.  And the guy still wanted to split the bill.   I wasn’t really having a great time anyway.  But, that really felt bad.  And then he tried to go in for a kiss in the parking lot.  Let’s just say, we didn’t go out again.

Question:  If there was one thing you could share with singles about finding love, what would that be?
Answer:  Don’t give up!

• You can find someone good to love
• Finding love doesn’t have to be a mystery
• There are very specific things you can do (and things you should not do!) to find love

Question:  Why is it so important for you to help singles find love?
Answer:  Having someone to share your life with …  That’s what life’s about.

• Having someone to love is so important
• My story — I grew up in a difficult family and married someone just like my family
• After that I learned how to date and screen out the inappropriate guys
• I found someone good.  And you can too!
• I started sharing at my seminars and in my counseling practice and people wanted more
• Now, I’m offering online seminars and online counseling*
• Because having someone to share your life with — That’s what life’s about

*(My apologies to those of you outside California.  At this time, a therapist can only do counseling in the state where there are licensed.)

Sometimes it’s hard to know how much is too much sharing on a first date. The key is to keep you boundaries and keep it light.

And here are some questions that you want to stay away from.

1. What Happened in Your Last Relationship?
It’s normal to want to know your date’s relationship story.  But, according to Andy Whaling, MFT (Sunday Night Singles, 2000-2002), a first date is too soon to be talking about the ex.

And Teri Gorski (Getting Love Right, 1993) says you don’t want to get too intense.  If you want to find someone who’s the whole package, it’s important to build the relationship in stages.  The first stage is ”Acquaintanceship/Casual Contact.”  You’re finding out if you enjoy hanging out together.  Do you get along?  Would you like to get together again?  So, as hard as it sounds — Try to relax and enjoy the ride.

2. How’s the Dating Site Working for You?
This question is especially tricky.  Sharing your online dating horror stories is a quick and easy way to bond.  But, just like it’s too soon to be talking about the ex, you don’t want to be sharing about other people you’re meeting on the dating site.

It’s kind of a lose-lose situation.  If your online dating experiences have been awful, you’re sort of complaining and gossipping  (which makes you look bad).   And if you share that your online dating experiences have been great, that could make your date feel really weird.  Probably better to just stay away from this topic all together.

3. Why are You Still Single?
This is my personal favorite!  It sounds like a compliment — How could someone as fabulous as you still be available?  But, it’s really asking — What’s wrong with you?  You look okay.  But, I just want to cut to the chase and know why no one else wanted you so I can move on.

4. Do You Want to Get Married?
This is a great question.  And you want to find out what they’re looking for before too long.  But, a more important question is — Are you married now?

I’m not talking about someone who’s cheating (though that’s something to watch for).  I’m talking about a date with someone who’s not all the way divorced.  Maybe they’re separated and going through a divorce.  They might even be “separated” but living in the same house with their spouse, especially in today’s economy.  Trust me, you don’t want to get in the middle of that.  In fact, Andy says it’s a good idea to wait a year after a divorce is final before dating.  Because people need time to grieve and heal.  So, if they’re not all the way divorced or if they haven’t had time to finish their grieving, they’re not ready to start a relationship with you.

5. Do You Want Kids?
Again, a great question to ask, but definitely not on a first date.  Women usually have a stronger need to have children than men do.  So, women – if you bring this up right away, he’ll think you just want him for his baby-making potential.  It doesn’t mean you can’t find out where he stands on kids, especially if your clock is ticking.   But, a first date is still probably too soon.

So, what’s left to talk about?  Remember Andy’s first date topics (First Date Tips to Leave Them Wanting More).  You can ask what they like to do for fun.  You can share cool places you’ve traveled.  You can talk about what you each do for a living.  You get the picture.  You’re visiting and chatting to see if you enjoy hanging out together.  Because if you do enjoy yourself, you might want a second date.

A first date can be both exciting and scary.  You wonder  — Will they like me?  Could this be the one?   I got the best dating advice from Andy Whaling, MFT when I attended his Sunday Night Singles (2000-2002).  Here are some of his and my tips for a first date.

• Hobbies/Interests
• Entertainment
• Leisure/Books
• Places you’ve been
• Sports
• Accomplishments (a little)
• *Also: News, Food, a little Work/Career/Profession

Don’t Go There Yet
Andy suggests staying away from topics that are too serious or personal.  It doesn’t mean those aren’t important topics to discuss.   It’s just too soon.  Here are Andy’s topics to avoid on a first date:

• Health problems
• Any and all complaints
• Religion/Politics/Beliefs
• Assets/Earnings/Finances
• China patterns or Sex
• Past Relationships/Ex
• How many children (you want)

You Can Have Too Much of a Good Thing
It can be easy to get too intense or let the date go too long (Andy recommends 2 hours max) if you really like someone and are clicking.   But, too much too soon can be enmeshing.  Remember, the faster they come on the faster they go away. So, if you keep your boundaries, it will weed out people who tend to enmesh.  The key is to leave them wanting more (not less) of you.

Is Your Conversation Flowing?
Is there a nice back and forth?  You ask a question, I answer. I ask, You answer.  This won’t be completely even.  Sometimes one person is more introverted and the other more extroverted.  Or they might be nervous.  But, give-and-take is a sign of generosity, which is an important quality to look for.

Do You Want a Second Date?
After your first date, Andy suggests reflecting and asking yourself:

• Did I have a good time, and did they treat me well?
• Am I more interested in them now than I was before the date?
• Do we have enough in common to spend more time together easily?
• Are there any red flags or concerns to suggest there’ll be difficulties in the future? If so, do I stop now or look for confirmation of my concern?
• Do I feel good about myself after being with them?
• Would I look forward to or at least enjoy seeing them again?

If you feel good about yourself and you’d like to see them again –woo-hoo!  Time for a second date.  But, Andy suggests keeping your dates 2-3 weeks apart.  Otherwise, you’re in a relationship and you can’t see anyone else.  This also means keeping the calls and and texts to a minimum, basically just enough to set up your next date.  I know this is hard and not very romantic.  But, it’s a way to continue to date and get to know people slowly.  Because that’s how you’ll find someone you could really love, who will really love you back.   And that is really romantic and worth waiting for.

Just the thought of a blind date makes you squirm, I know.  But, if you think about it, most of your online dates are blind dates.  Except you haven’t had someone vet them for you.  And that’s the best part about blind-dating.  Someone else is pre-screening your dates for you.  That’s why a blind date could actually be a great way to meet someone new.

Let Someone Else Pick for You
One of the benefits of a blind date, is that someone else is doing the picking.  If you tend to attract the same type of guy (or girl) over and over and it never works out, it can help to have someone else pick for you.  This overrides your basic chemistry, which means you might meet people you would overlook otherwise.

That doesn’t mean you won’t have passion, it just may take some time to develop.  But, you might have a better chance at a good relationship with someone you’re not initially attracted to.  Because, chemistry just means they’re a perfect fit for all the hard-wiring in your brain from you family-of-origin relationships (Lewis, Annin & Lannon, A General Theory of Love, 2000).

All Matchmakers are Not Created Equal
But, all blind dates are not created equal.  Because all matchmakers are not the same.  You want to be set-up by someone who really knows you and who has a good relationship of their own.  Because, if they know you (and love you :)) and have a relationship you admire… well that’s the kind of person you want to enlist!  (If they don’t have a good relationship, you might not want them choosing a potential mate for you.)

“I’d Love to Be Set-Up”
I know, it’s embarrassing to ask people to set you up.  But, it’s not as hard as it sounds.  The next time you’re at a get-together or party and someone asks if you’re seeing anyone, you can let them know you’re not, but that you’d love to be set up.  I know it’s hard to say that.  But, most people (especially women) love to play matchmaker.  They’ll immediately start thinking of their friend, cousin, coworker, etc. that could be right for you.   And if you don’t feel comfortable asking your guy friends for help, Andy Whaling, MFT suggests asking their girlfriends or wives.  (Sunday Night Singles 2001 – 2002).

Try Something New 
It’s always nerve wracking meeting someone for the first time.  And you may have some bad blind dates.  And there may be the occasional awesome blind date.  But, most of your blind dates will probably be somewhere in between.  And that’s okay.  That’s how you learn to date and consider men (or women) you wouldn’t normally choose.  And if the people you’ve chosen in the past haven’t worked out so good, it might not be a bad idea to try something new.

Are you dating online? Do you go back and forth about giving out your number? You don’t want to take his number and call him. But, you hate giving out your number to a virtual stranger? Because, once he’s got it, you can’t take it back. (And guys, this can apply to you too!)

Well, I just heard about Vumber — an anonymous phone number that forwards to your phone.

I’ve used something like this before in my business.  But, I didn’t know they had it for personal phones.

Patty Stanger, the Millionare Matchmaker mentioned it on Bravo’s “Watch What Happens Live” Valentine’s show (that I just got around to watching this week).

Anyway, of course, I thought of you.  I know a lot of you are dating online or are thinking about dating online.  But, giving out your number can be stressful.  You hope for the best.  But, since you don’t really know each other, there’s always a risk.  (Actually, anytime you give out your number is a risk, but especially online.)

It looks like Vumber is set up specifically to deal with these kinds of situations.  Their website says there’s even a way to have a custom message for a specific caller that says ”this number is no longer in service.”   I know you won’t usually need to get that extreme.  But, it might give you peace of mind knowing that you have options.

Vumber does cost.  So, if funds are tight, I’ve heard Google Voice is free.  But, I don’t know if it has all the same features.

I haven’t tried Vumber or Google Voice myself  So, I can’t really recommend them.  But, when I heard Patty mention an anonymous phone number, I knew I had to share it with you!  Maybe you’ve already tried it.  If so, could you leave a comment for the rest of us.  Or if you have any other thoughts, I’d love to hear from you.

Flirting can feel dumb, silly, coy.  But, according to Andy Whaling, MFT (Sunday Night Singles, 2001-2002) you have to flirt to attract the kind of man you really want.  And guys — when you learn how to read her signals, your chances for success (meeting her, getting her number, getting that first kiss!) are much better.

Flirting Weeds out the Sharks and Players
According to Andy, a good guy won’t approach a woman without some sort of signal that she’s interested, because he doesn’t want to get shot down.  So, when you see someone you think is interesting, it’s really important to smile at him and make eye-contact (even if just for a second).  It lets him know you’re open to being approached.  Andy says, if you don’t learn how to let a guy know you’re interested, you’ll only attract the ones who are oblivious to what you want (not a good sign).  Or worse, you’ll attract the ones who are only interested because you’re not interested (sharks and players).  And those guys will usually lose interest once you become interested.

Flirting Says She’s Ready to Take it to the Next Level
Guys –  once you approach her (at the book store, dance, etc.), pay attention to what’s happening.  Is she smiling and looking at you?  Is she answering your questions and asking you questions?  Is she standing closer than she was at first?  These things usually mean she’s feeling comfortable with you and enjoying talking to you.  If that’s happening, then it becomes completely natural to ask her to talk or hang out again.  But, instead of asking for her number (which can feel impersonal), Andy suggests asking to get together again – ”It’s been really fun talking to you.”  (And she nods – “Yes.”)  “Would you ever like to get together for coffee or something?”

Oops — You Misread the Signals
Since flirting is mostly non-verbal, there will be times when you get your signals crossed.  When you do, it’s not necessarily the end of the world.  But, it’s important to take a step back.  For women, you can ask yourself what your actions and words are saying.  Maybe you were trying to be nice, but you ended up giving the wrong impression.  And guys, if you misread her signals, it’s time to slow down and really tune in to her.  And if you know each other a bit, it’s okay to talk about what happened, so you’re not just guessing.  If you’re just getting to know each other, it might be awkward to bring it up.

You Need to Keep Flirting! 
And you don’t just flirt when you first meet.  You need to keep flirting!  That’s how you communicate you like each other and you’re ready to take it to the next level, like when you:

• Lean in to hear each other over the music
• Hit him lightly when he makes you laugh
• Put your hand on the small of her back as you walk
• Stand close to her and look into her eyes (I’d like to kiss you)
• Look back at him instead of looking away (I’d like you to kiss me)

And once you’re together, you still flirt!  It’s how you let each other know — I still love you.  I’m so glad you’re mine!  I want you!

Have you ever had whiplash from a guy?  He comes on really fast.  But, then he runs away even faster?

In the beginning, he can’t get enough of you.  You’re the most important thing in his world.  But, once you’re really in the relationship, he backs off.  He stops being so attentive.  Eventually he loses interest all together.  And it’s just a matter of time before he walks out the door.  And you’re left wondering, “What just happened?”

You Got “In” and He Got “Out”

You might have tried to put the brakes on in the beginning.  But, he bowled you over with attention and affection.  He was really persistent.  And eventually he won you over.  You gave in.  You decided to give the relationship a chance.  But, a funny thing happened.  Just when you got “in” the relationship, he got “out.”

“The Faster He Comes On, The Faster He’ll Go Away”

I once heard, “The faster they come on the faster they’ll go away.” And it’s true.  Because, in the beginning of a relationship, it’s still infatuation and hormones.  And you may be a completely awesome person.  But, he doesn’t know that yet.  Because he  doesn’t really know you yet.  So, he’s not really falling in love with you.  He’s falling in love with a fantasy of you.  That’s why as soon as the infatuation starts to wear off (usually around 3-6 months into the relationship), he’ll start to lose interest.  Because now, you’re becoming a real person.  And no matter how great you are, you’ll never measure up to his fantasy.

He Likes Chasing You More Than Catching You

Men who come on really strong at first are usually more interested in the pursuit than the actual relationship.  They like chasing you.  They like wanting you.  You’re a challenge.  But, they don’t actually want you.  That’s why they lose interest once you become interested.  Somehow, you become less valuable in their eyes.  That’s why it’s so easy for them to just walk away.  They’re eager to start chasing their next fantasy.

Some Men May Not Be Relationship Material

Granted men don’t have that same nesting thing that most women have.  And there’s also probably some fears of intimacy buried in there.  But with these guys, it’s buried so deep, they’re probably not even aware of it.  And there are some personality types (Keirsey-Bates Please Understand Me, 1984) who prefer to “keep their options open,”  which can cause them to “chafe” with commitment.  Maybe with ”hit and run” guys, these things are all rolled into one package.  All I know is – the best way to deal with them is to avoid them in the first place.

How to Avoid the “Hit and Run” Guys

Andy Whaling, MFT (Sunday Night Singles, 2001) recommends ways to slow yourself down and really get to know him before falling for him.  He says it helps screen out the “sharks” and “players” who aren’t really interested in or capable of a real relationship.   Andy suggests:

• Date 3 people at a time
• Space your dates 3 weeks apart
• Don’t get physical (Andy says a “good-night” kiss is okay. But, Luann Brizendine (The Female Brain, 2006) says women can get attached with a 20 second hug, so watch out!)

A Quality Guy Will Want You More

Only after the infatuation wears off do you know what he’s really like.  Andy says anyone can keep up an act for a time.  But, only after about 6 months do you know if he is actually who he appears to be and if he is a quality person or not.  And a quality guy won’t lose interest after he really gets to know you.  He’ll actually value you and love you more.  Because, now you’re his.

(Guys – I know there are “hit and run” women out there.  They’re all over you in the beginning, but then they lose interest.  But, I wasn’t sure if they fit the “hit and run” guy pattern.  I’d love to hear your stories.)

The most important thing to remember is to trust your gut!  If you listen to your instincts it’ll be much easier to spot the red flags.

How to Read Between the Lines

* If someone shares too much, it could mean they have bad boundaries. If they share too little, it might mean they’re not ready to put themselves out there. Or worse, they’re hiding something.

* Are they just looking for sex?  Do they describe themselves as “passionate,” “sexy” or “hot?” Or is that how they describe the person they’re looking for?

* Do they sound angry or insensitive?  ie. “I don’t want a woman with “baggage.”

* Are they overly focused on money?  ie.  “I want someone “financially secure.”  That’s not a bad thing to look for. But, that’s something you could talk about once you know each other better.

* Are they ready for love? Do they mention the “ex” anywhere? Are they “separated?” No matter how they try to sell it, separated is not divorced. If they’re not divorced or if they’re still talking about the “ex” that’s a red flag.

* Are there misspellings or mistakes in their profile?  That could mean they’re careless or they’re just not taking the process seriously at all.

Photos Will Tell You A Lot

* If they don’t post a photo, it could mean they don’t feel good about their appearance. Or they’re so attractive they’ve received a million responses and you’ll just get lost in the crowd. Either way, it’s probably not a good sign.

* Do they have a lot of photos of themselves? A few photos are nice. More than a few could mean they’re a little self-absorbed (read narcissistic).

* Do they have a photo of themselves with another person cut out of it? That’s not good for all kinds of reasons.

* Is there someone or something with them in all their photos? It’s good to have outside interests. But, if their dog, friends, boat or even their kids are in ALL their photos, it may tell you a little about where you’ll stand in the scheme of things.

* Sometimes people post photos where you can see their whole body. That’s fine as long as it’s not too revealing. Posting a sexy photo is a red flag.  And so is requesting a “full body shot” from you.

Setting Up the Date

* When you start to email or talk, if they don’t remember who you are or what you’ve already shared, that’s a red flag. It means they’re juggling too many people and probably not looking for anything serious.

* Remember, just 3-6 emails before you chat on the phone.*  And just a quick call to set up the date. And don’t let them start texting you all the time (unless you want to be their girlfriend/boyfriend before you meet!)

* Your first date should be in a public place, with lots of people around, like coffee or lunch.  (No hikes!  The last thing you want to do is go out in the middle of nowhere with a stranger!)  And if  they insist on picking you up (or want you to pick them up), that’s a red flag.

Now, It’s Your Turn!

I’d love to hear about your online dating experiences, any red flags you spotted or missed, your dating disasters, and your successes of course! :)

*Thank-you Andy Whaling, MFT for letting me know to limit it to 3-6 emails before meeting!

If you’ve tried online dating at all, you know it isn’t as easy as it looks!  Here are some suggestions to help it go a little more smoothly and successfully for you!

 #1  Make sure they’re serious about finding love 

One way to do this is by choosing a site that’s a bit of a financial investment and that requires a longer questionnaire/application process. That will help screen out the people just looking for a quick hook-up.

 #2  Make sure they’ve done their homework

Have they read your profile?  Are they interested in you?  If they’re just sending you a mass mailing, or worse a “wink,” they’re making you do all the hard work.  Why waste your time, if they haven’t bothered to get to know a little about you before contacting you?

#3  Make your profile uniquely you, but keep your boundaries!

Remember, it’s like a resume or a job interview. You share all the important information, but you also present yourself in your best light.   (And of course, don’t share your address or other identifying information until you’re further along in the dating process.)

 #4  Be aware of the messages you’re sending and receiving!

You don’t want to accidentally introduce sex into the conversation with your profile name, descriptions, photo, etc.  You may be a sexy thing, but they can find that out later on.  If that’s what you lead with, you’ll attract people who are looking for sex, not a relationship.

#5  Look for clues to make sure they’re ready for love

Do they mention the “ex” anywhere? Are they “separated?” No matter how they try to sell it, separated is not divorced. If they’re not divorced or if they’re still talking about the “ex” they’re not ready for a relationship with you, no matter how great they are or how great you are.

#6  Don’t fall in love with a fantasy

Don’t do a lot of emailing or talking on the phone, before you meet.  Keep it to a few short emails and a quick call to set up the date.*  And I know this is a hard one, but don’t let them get into the habit of texting you all the time!   Because if you don’t hit it off in person, it’s like breaking-up, even though you just met!

(Note:  This is one reason long-distance online dating doesn’t work.  There’s too much calling and emailing and texting.  And the fantasy gets way ahead of reality.)

#7  Be good and have fun!

Be smart about the fact that you really don’t know them yet. Meet in a public place, during the day, for your first date. Tell someone where you’ll be and when you’ll be back. And trust your gut! If something doesn’t feel right, pay attention! But, if everything seems to be checking out, give yourself credit for doing your homework and enjoy getting to know them!

Watch for my next article, “Red Flags You Don’t Want to Miss when You’re Dating Online!”

p.s.  Thank-you Andy Whaling, MFT for sharing that you should limit it to 3-6 emails before you meet!

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, I thought it might be good to give you some tips to help you get through it.

Don’ts:

* Don’t plan a date with someone you’re only casually dating. It’s too much pressure. You’ll want more closeness. And that will push him away. Remember “damage control.” Don’t do anything to make things worse.

* Don’t go on any online dating sites to look for men. Remember, hungry people make bad shoppers. Try another day, when you’re feeling less needy.

* Don’t drink too much if you’re out on the town. Chances are you’ll end up with someone you wouldn’t normally choose. And then you’ll remember him every Valentines Day in the future.

Do’s

* Do plan a girls’ night IN! Invite your single girlfriends. Have everyone bring something to eat or drink. Watch your favorite romantic movie (or anti-romantic movie!) You can cry or yell or do whatever makes you feel better.  And best of all, you’re surrounded by people who love you.

* Do remember, what a great catch you are and how much you like yourself and your life.

* Do remember, Valentine’s Day is just one day. Everything will look and feel better tomorrow

Are you ready to find love?  But, you just need a little help.  I hope you’ll join me this Valentine’s Day to discover how to use my Top 10 Tips to Help You Find Love!

Dating Tip #1. Let yourself heal from your last relationship

Action:  Letting yourself grieve will actually help you move past your last relationship so you can move forward with your life.

Dating Tip #2. Smile*

Action:  When you realize that a good guy needs a “welcome” invitation from you, it’s easier to overcome your shyness and smile!  (Guys, when you can read her signals, you’ll have more success when you do approach her.)

Dating Tip #3.  Find Your Village

Action:  Start hanging out in places where other people share your values:  church, the dog park, a political campaign.  Then when you meet someone interesting, you’ve already got the foundation for a real relationship.

Dating Tip #4. Run away from your “type

Action:  You can re-train your radar to search out the good men (or women)!

 Dating Tip #5. The only goal of a first date is – “Do I want a second date?”*

Action: Share what you like to do for fun.  And ask what they like to do for fun.   Keep it light.  And pay attention to how they treat you!

Dating Tip #6. Trust your gut

Action:  The more you listen to your gut, the louder it will get, and the more you can trust it!

Dating Tip #7. Remember, this is him (or her) on their best behavior*

Action:  Keep your eyes open for red flags.  And remember, 3 yellow flags = 1 red flag.

Dating Tip #8. Date, don’t mate!

Action:  Slow down.  This means dating AND keeping your clothes on!

Dating Tip #9. Remember, it takes about 3-6 months for infatuation to wear off

Action:  Enjoy the fun and excitement of infatuation.  Just remember, no matter how much fun you’re having, it takes time to really know someone.

Dating Tip #10. Is he (or she) the whole package?

Action:  If you take your time and really get to know him (or her), you can find someone you’re attracted to, who’s fun and shares your values, that you can build a life with!

(*I’ve incorporated some of Andy Whaling, MFT’s dating tips)

I can’t wait to see you on Valentine’s Day!

Are You Ready for Love?
Live Video Chat*
Tuesday, February 14th, 7 p.m. (Pacific Time)
Cost: $1 (Special Valentine’s Rate)

*If you’ve never been on a live video chat, it’s easy and a lot of fun!  Just login in from your computer or call from your phone!

1. Let yourself heal from your last relationship

It takes time to get your bearings and start trusting again. The hardest part is learning to trust yourself again. It helps when you can look back and see where you may have missed the red flags.

2. Smile*

Smiling and making eye contact (even if just for a second) will let a good guy know you’re open to being approached. Otherwise, you’ll attract guys who don’t care if you’re interested. Or worse, who want you because they think you’re not interested.  (And guys, when you smile at a woman, at first she may not realize that you’re smiling at her. So, give her a minute to smile back.)

3. Find your village*

Andy Whaling talks about how in “olden times” when we lived in villages, it was easier to find a quality person. You probably knew their family and shared similar values. So, the key is to find your village or your “people” today. This could be a church, the dog park, a political campaign… any place where people share values important to you.

4. Run away from your “type

If a relationship with your “type” hasn’t worked in the past, there’s a good chance it won’t work in the future.  Besides, initial chemistry just means they fit all the hardwiring in your brain from your family-of-origin relationships. So, if you don’t want a repeat of your past relationships, chemistry may not be your friend. That doesn’t mean you can’t have passion. It just may take time to develop. (Guys, since you’re more visual, you might need more initial chemistry.)

5. The only goal of a first date is – “Do I want a second date?”*

Not — Do I want to marry him?  Does he want kids?  Should I hyphenate?  Talk about hobbies, movies, fun stuff until you know him better.  Men can feel it if you’re sizing them up for marriage and it makes them really nervous. (And guys, even if you’re nervous, remember to keep the conversation going with back-and-forth questions.  She asks, you answer. You ask, she answers. You both want the chance to share and listen.)

6. Trust your gut

If something feels uncomfortable or weird, it probably is. Pay attention to your instincts and intuition. In fact, when you feel something in your “gut”, that’s actually your solar-plexus, which is connected to your brain.**

7. Remember, this is him (or her) on their best behavior*

This is not the time to give him (or her) the benefit of the doubt. If there are any red flags in the beginning, like substance abuse, lying, meanness, infidelity… now is the time to cut and run.

8. Date, don’t mate!

It’s important to date lots of different people. But, if you get physical right away, you’ll want more closeness and commitment.  And if he doesn’t, this can make you clingy and needy.  (And guys, if you have sex too soon, you can actually ruin a good thing.  So, remember, if you want a real relationship, it’s worth the wait.)

9. Remember, it takes about 3-6 months for infatuation to wear off

The first few months it’s like being on drugs, in terms of your hormones and brain chemistry. Your brain’s caution centers get really quiet.  And you’re actually blind to the flaws in your new love.***

10. Is he (or she) the whole package?

Do they share your values? Do you have fun together? Do you have passion? Once the infatuation wears off, do you still like each other? If you answered “yes” to all of these, then you’re on your way to finding love!****

(When I was dating, I attended Andy Whaling’s Sunday Night Singles in Pasadena, CA. I’ve incorporated some of what I learned from Andy into my dating tips.*   I’ve also included info. from some of my favorite books:  A General Theory of Love by T, Lewis, F. Amini, & R. Lannon, 2000, ** The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, 2006,*** Getting Love Right, by Terence Gorski ,1993****)

1) Smile.*   Most good men won’t approach you without an opening. Smiling and making eye contact (even if just for a nano-second) will let him know you are open to being approached. It’s crazy, but if you do this, it will revolutionize your dating life. You’ll start meeting men EVERYWHERE! And if you don’t let men know you’re open to being approached, you could end up attracting the ones who don’t care whether or not you want to be approached. These are the guys who like the pursuit more than the actual relationship. And once you become interested, they will most likely lose interest.

2) Run away from your “type”! If this hasn’t worked for you in the past, there’s a good chance it won’t work this time. That doesn’t mean you can’t have passion. It just may not be there right from the start. Besides, initial chemistry just means he reminds you of your father or family at some level. That doesn’t mean you have to choose the guy you’d never have chemistry with. You may have initial chemistry with 10% of the men you meet. And there’s another 10% you’ll never have chemistry with. The 80% in the middle, that’s where you want to date.

3) The only goal of a first date is — Do I want a second date?* Not — Do I want to marry him? Does he want kids? Should I hyphenate? You get the picture. Take it really slow. Men can feel it if you’re sizing them up for marriage and it makes them really nervous. Remember to keep it light. Talk about hobbies, movies, fun stuff until you know him better. It takes time to develop a relationship. And speeding up the process may work in the movies, but it rarely works in real life.

4) Don’t have sex too early in the relationship. Women tend to bond with sex, and men usually don’t. That’s why having sex too early throws things off balance. Because you’ll want more closeness after sex and he won’t. This can make you clingy and needy, which will really scare him. But, if you take it slow in the physical area and wait till you’re exclusive and committed to each other, you’ll have a foundation in place. And you’ll really know him before you bond with him.

5) TRUST YOUR GUT! If something feels uncomfortable or weird, it probably is. Remember, when you’re dating, this is him on his best behavior!*  So, pay attention to how you feel when you’re with him and afterward. If you feel worse about yourself in any way, that’s a big red flag.

*Note:  When I was dating, I attended Andy Whaling’s Sunday Night Singles Group in Pasadena. I’ve incorporated some of what I learned from him into my dating tips. (Thank-you Andy!)

Holidays got you down?

Wonder what you’ll be doing?

Or who you’ll be with?

The holidays can be hard for everyone. But, they’re especially hard if you’re single or recently divorced. But, you can find ways to take lemons and make lemonade (or as Oprah says — lemon pound cake!)

Because the holidays are ripe with opportunities to meet someone. And that’s what I’d love to share with you at my next live Video Chat, How to Date During the Holidays. Check out my video to learn…

Some ways to make the most of the holidays:

• Smile when you meet new people.  Because you’ll be out and about and seeing people you don’t normally see.
• When you’re at holiday get-togethers and people ask if you’re seeing anyone, let them know you’re open to being fixed up (if you admire the relationship they’re in)
• Remember, like they say in “When Harry Met Sally,”  you just have to make it “from the day before thanksgiving to the day after New Year’s” and you can get back to normal life

And if you’ve never been on a live Video Chat, it’s easy and fun:

• We’ll send you a link
• When you click on it the link it will ask if you want to be on camera and have your microphone on or not
• Then you’re in the meeting room.  And it’s like you’re watching me on T.V.
• If your camera’s on, I can see you.  If not, you can still share and listen and participate.
• It’s a way for us to get together wherever you are and you don’t even have to leave the comfort of your own home
• (You can also just call in from your phone)

I hope you have a lovely holiday.  And I can’t wait to see you at my next live Video Chat!

And we’re offering a Special $1 Holiday Gift rate so you can try it and see for yourself!

How to Date During the Holidays
Saturday, December 10th, 2011
11 a.m. (Pacific Time)
Cost: $1 (a $97 value!)

Space is limited! Sign-up now to reserve your seat!

Do you ever wonder why the men you’re really into aren’t that into you? (Or guys, why the women you’re really into aren’t that into you?)

Or why you don’t like the ones who are into you?

It might be that you haven’t met someone who’s right for you yet. And it could be that the guys who aren’t into you have trouble with intimacy and closeness. But, if ALL the men you like aren’t into you. And if you RARELY like the ones who are into you…

It might mean that at some level – you’re also afraid of closeness and commitment.

I know it sounds crazy! But, that might actually be why you find those unavailable guys attractive – because they aren’t into you. (I know they also probably remind you of your father or your family. That’s probably true. But, if that’s what your father or your family were like, why would you be comfortable with closeness?! You probably never had any closeness. And the closeness you did have probably wasn’t that great!)

Don’t get me wrong. I know you want love. And I know you need love. But, if you didn’t get the love you needed growing up. And if you haven’t had good loving relationships as an adult, intimacy and closeness can feel unfamiliar and overwhelming. You might even feel vulnerable and afraid without even realizing it.

So, what to do? Sometimes it helps to think about:

• How would it feel if you had the kind of love and closeness you really want?
• What about that kind of love and closeness would be scary? (fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt)
• How could you get close and risk in little ways to see if the other person is safe before you get closer and risk more?
• Would you ever want to share your vulnerable feelings and fears with the other person? (how they respond will tell you if it’s safe to share more)

When you only date people who aren’t really available, you play it safe. You might get hurt. But, you’ve been there before and you know what that’s like. It’s a bigger risk to actually get close to someone who won’t run away. Because then you’re in uncertain waters. But, if you go slow, you can test the waters to see if you want to go any further. You don’t have to jump in the deep end. In fact, it’s probably better not to. Instead you can start in the shallow end and just move forward one little step at a time.

This is my video about How to Get Through those Stupid Arguments so You End Up Even Closer:

• If you (or he) overreact to something the other person says it’s probably pulling up feelings from the past
• It’s really important to stop and take a time-out
• Be aware of what your head is telling you during the time-out (make sure it’s not going negative on you)
• Instead use that time to look at your part and how your fight might be pulling up feelings from your past relationships, childhood, etc.
• When you come back together, you can share “your part” and hopefully your partner can do the same
• Once you know  each other’s tender/vulnerable areas are, you can be more sensitive to them, which can bring you even closer

I’d love to hear your thoughts about how you get through stupid arguments, how you fight fair, or anything else you’d care to share!  Just click below to share!

Take Good Care,

Vondie :)

This is my response to Juliet Jeske’s Huffington Post article about Dating after Divorce.  She was saying there  are so many women who are willing to have sex right away, that women who want to wait don’t stand a chance.

In the video, I talk about:

• Most women can’t have sex without wanting some sort of connection or commitment
• The women who have sex right away may get the guys for now
• But will those guys really stick around?
• And do you really want those guys anyway?
• Men like to pursue.  So, if you take care of yourself and go slow, you probably won’t lose them.  They will actually value you more.
• If you wait till the time is right, it can actually help you find  a quality guy!

I’d love to hear your thoughts about the video, sex and dating, or  anything else you’d care to share!  Just  click below to share your Comments!

Vondie

p.s. The Huffington post author, Juliet Jeske commented on my YouTube video! Check it out. :)

I saw the movie The Help yesterday. It was powerful and inspiring. I won’t tell you more in case you plan to see it. But, it’s about speaking up and sharing your truth at great personal risk. That kind of courage amazes me.

The movie isn’t about romantic love. But, it is about love — love for self, love for others, and loss of love… in fact lots of loss at the hands of others.

But somehow, the women in the story still find the courage to still speak up.

Which leads me to the question — Is it ever hard for you to speak up?

Do you ever wish you had the courage to share more of who you really are and what you really want or need? (That’s what we’re finding in our survey – Help Me Help You.)

If it’s hard for you to speak up, you probably didn’t learn how to ask for what you wanted growing up.

Somehow you got that your needs weren’t important or valid. Maybe you were criticized, or rejected or just ignored. Or maybe it was even dangerous for you to risk speaking up. You learned it was safer to just stay quiet. That’s why it’s so hard to speak up now.

It’s easy to tell yourself:

• I’m asking for too much
• I’m too sensitive
• I might get hurt
• If I speak up, I might lose him (or her).
• I probably won’t get what I want anyway.

That’s why it’s important to risk in little ways first to see if the other person is trustworthy. If they take good care of you with little things, you can try trusting them with bigger things.

Then you can discover, in a good relationship…the other person cares about you and what you want or need as much as you care about them.

They may not always do exactly what you want, when you want it. But, you can find ways to get what you need or at least reach a compromise you can both live with.

On the other hand… if you speak up and they reject, criticize, or ignore you … Well, that’s a BIG RED FLAG.

And you deserve better.

I’ll hope you’ll join us to talk more about this and other survey topics, at our Group Video Chat, Help Me Help You, Saturday, August 20th.

And Until Then — Keep Taking Good Care of You,

Vondie

It’s a way for you to tell me — What you really want or need in a relationship and What the biggest obstacle is to having the relationship you really want?

I’ve been getting some responses back from my fb page. And it’s great!

If you’d like to take a minute, I’d love to hear where you are and what you’re looking for in a relationship. Just click here to complete the survey.

Your answers are completely anonymous. But, I’ll let you know what everyone says overall. And if you’d like to join us, we can talk more about what everyone’s said at my next Group Video Chat, Saturday, August 20th, 2011. Just click here to reserve your seat.  I can’t wait to hear what you have to say. And I’ll look forward to seeing you soon.

p.s. quotation from the movie, Jerry Maguire

After 8 months of trying to recover from an ankle injury, I ended up having ankle surgery 2 weeks ago. I made it through, with no major complications. But, I learned even a “minor” surgery is still pretty major. Henry and I have been together 6+ years and we’ve been married almost a year. But, it was still a pretty intense experience for both of us.

I guess it is true, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger… even for couples.

Besides doing EVERYTHING around the house, Henry has also been taking care of me. And I’ve had to let him. And if you’re like me — good at taking care of everyone else — receiving help can be the hardest of all. Especially, because we would both get tired and overwhelmed at times. That’s when we were most likely to run into trouble. But, the important part is that — we would get through those “bumps” and move onto the next challenge.

Except, it felt  like, just when we would say … “I think we’re through the worst of this” there would be something new.  The good news, I’m up on crutches now, with a cute blue cast.  And I think we are finally through the worst of it.

And now, I would love to hear from you.  How do you get through the tough times?  Especially, when you have to rely on your partner to make it through.

I keep hearing… “All the good ones are taken.” Where do you go to meet the right men (or women)?” I always end up in the same kind of (bad) relationship and I don’t know why.”So, why are you having trouble finding good men (or women)?

We’ve all heard that it goes back to our families. And I hate to say it, but it really does. We are “hardwired”* to attract people like the people who raised us. It might be your father, your mother, your brother, sister or cousin… or some combination of all of them.** But, the strongest influences are usually your parents, especially your opposite sex parent. They were the ones who taught you what it means to be loved (for good or for bad).

So, yes it’s important to know where to look.
And it’s important to know what to do when you see someone interesting.
And it’s important to know what to say once you meet them.
(And we’ll talk more about all this in the future.)

But before you look or do or say anything…

It’s most important to know what (or who) isn’t really right for you.

If you don’t want to keep dating the same person, with a different face…
If you want a different kind of relationship than you’ve had in the past…
The key is to understand that the people you’re attracted to are more like your family than you ever imagined.

Try this simple exercise:

• Take a piece of paper and divide it into columns (enough columns for each of your family members +1 extra)
• In the first column, list the qualities (good and bad) that describe the people you’ve had the strongest attraction to
• Fold the paper over to hide the first column
• Label the remaining columns with the names of each of your family members (one person per column)
• List each family member’s qualities (good and bad) in their column
• Open up your paper and circle the qualities in your family members’ columns that are also listed in the first column (the column describing the people you’ve been most attracted to)

There will probably be a lot of qualities in your family members’ columns that match the qualities of the people you’ve been most attracted to. Because you were “hardwired” by your family members to associate their qualities with love.

That’s what makes someone attractive to you. That’s when the bells and whistles and fireworks go off. That’s what makes chemistry.

So what does that mean? Does it mean you have to live without passion or sexual attraction? No. But if you don’t want the relationships you experienced growing up, it might mean initial chemistry is not your friend.

In fact, if your family relationships AND your own relationships haven’t been good, chemistry could actually be a red flag for you.

If you’d like to learn more about how your family could be affecing you and your relationship choices, I hope you’ll join me for my next Group Video Chat on July 23, 2011.

I can’t wait to “see” you there!

Recommended Reading:
*Lewis, Amini & Lannon, A General Theory of Love
**Napier, The Fragile Bond

I know how hard it is to find someone who will treat you right and deserve your love.

And you know I love sharing about this and finding new ways to get the message out.

Last summer, we were working on Our First LIVE Online Seminar. But, with getting ready for the wedding and my grandmother’s passing, I had to let it go. But, I’m thinking it might be time to try again…

I know an online seminar sounds new and different. And it will take us a while to get all the technology “bugs” worked out. But, we’ve had such a great time at our in-person seminars, I wanted a way to make it even easier to attend, no matter where you live.

So, we’re gonna have Our First Group Video Chat next month!

It’ll be kind of like a skype call. You’ll be able to see me. And you can attend via webcam. Or there will be ways to just talk or listen.

And since we’re just getting started, it will be *free* for you and your friends.

But, I’d really like to know what you’d like to talk about. Where are you stuck in this whole relationship thing?

Are you having trouble finding good people?
Or once you find them do you lose interest? (Or do they?)
Or maybe you’re in a relationship, but you’re driving each other crazy!

Or you can include a question of your own.

I know it’s a ways off… But, I hope you’ll join us Saturday, July 23rd, 2011  for…

Let me start by saying I’m not a big pusher of forgiveness. I think it comes if it comes after a lot of anger.

When you’ve been hurt, you grieve.  And part of the grieving process is the anger.

But, what’s usually underneath the anger is the pain and the sadness. When you can allow yourself to feel those feelings, that’s when you can begin to heal.

So, if you’re angry at your ex, that’s normal and healthy. It means he (or she) really hurt you.

Where I get more concerned is when you turn the anger on yourself.  Because THAT CAN BE DESTRUCTIVE.

It’s important to look at “your part,” so it doesn’t happen again. But, it’s also important to remember you did the best you could at the time. Sometimes it helps to…

• Be gentle with yourself (you’re feeling bad enough already)
• Remember — if you feel your feelings they won’t last forever (time + grieving = healing)
• Reach out to people who do love and support you (so you don’t get overwhelmed by the pain)
• Let yourself do something that brings you joy or takes your mind off your feelings for a bit (you don’t have to feel all your feelings all at once)

When you can be gentle with yourself, you begin to forgive yourself. Then your feelings about your Ex won’t have as much power over you. Then you can start moving forward so you can find someone who will really love you.

If you’d like to find out more about How to Forgive Your Ex and Yourself, join me for our next relationship seminar, Saturday, May 7th, 2011.

Well, we had our first workshop at my office.  We were a small group , but it was still really good.  I think the part that was most helpful for people was when we made lists describing the last bad relationship and compared those to descriptions of parents, brothers and sisters, etc.  There were a lot of similarities and a lot of “aha” moments.

When we realize where some of the attraction to bad partners comes from, we can find ways to avoid them next time.  That’s part of how we learn to trust ourselves.

For some reason “forgiveness” has been on my mind … and when I asked people if they would be interested in talking about it next time, they said “yes, definitely.”

So, that’s what we’ll be discussing at our next relationship seminar, “How to Forgive Your Ex and Yourself,” Saturday, May 7th, 3:00 – 4:30 p.m. at my office, 150 E. Meda Ave., Suite 110.

So, here’s the latest update…

I’d still like to get together. And I know we’ve had a lot of fun with the dating topics…  But, now that we can meet at my new office, I was thinking maybe something more in depth.  It might be time to look what might be holding you back from finding someone really good.

And I hear a lot about “trust issues.”

So, February 5th, we’ll be looking at — How to Trust (Yourself) Again. I know it’s important to find someone you can trust. But if you’ve been in a relationship where you weren’t treated right, sometimes the hardest part is learning how to trust yourself again.

So, we’ll look at:

* what went wrong in your last relationship

* why you’re attracted to a certain “type”

* how to recognize red flags

Because when you can trust yourself to know when someone is treating you right and when they’re not, you’ll feel more confident about “putting yourself out there” again. 

So, I hope you’ll join me at our next relationship seminar at my new office!

I know your priority is trying to find someone you could have a real relationship with.

And you know I always say — It’s an inside job and an outside job.

The outside work is all the dating stuff — see 3 people, don’t get physical, find your village (people with your values) …   A lot of this is from Andy Whaling’s singles group that I attended after my divorce.

The inside work is harder, but really more important.  It includes discovering:

* What went wrong in your last relationship
* Why you’re attracted to a certain “type”
* How to recognize red flags so you can RUN AWAY!

People always ask me — “how will I ever trust again?”  I let them know it’s less about trusting someone else (though that’s part of it).  And it’s more about learning to trust YOURSELF.

Because when you can see where you ignored your gut in the past and how that didn’t work out, you’ll be more likely to trust yourself in the future.

So instead of doubting yourself the next time someone does something that doesn’t feel right — like putting you down or making you feel bad in some way… you begin to realize that it’s them and not you.

And once you can start screening out the players, you’ll be more ready to find the good ones.

So that’s our topic for our Valentine’s Relationship Seminar next month.  How to Trust (Yourself) Again!

I hope you survived the holidays and that you had some nice moments with family or friends.

I have to admit, I’m glad the holidays are over. I sprained my ankle last month and I had to move my office the week before Christmas.

Don’t get me wrong. I know I have it really good. And I had a nice Christmas and a quiet New Year’s.  But it reminded me that sometimes the holidays can be hard.

Even if everything goes great, it’s easy to feel a little let down, like everyone else’s holiday is the way it’s supposed to be. And if there’s any extra stress or drama you can end up feeling down and even lonely.

Sometimes it helps to realize — it’s normal to feel a little extra emotional around the holidays.

There’s a lot to do and you’re out of your normal routine. You’re spending more time with family and friends than you’re used to. There can be memories from the past. And it’s easy to have a lot of “expectations” about how everything’s supposed to be.

And …

• If you’re single or recently divorced — it can feel especially lonely and unfamiliar as you try to figure out where you fit in and how to create new holiday traditions
  
• If you’re in a relationship — the holidays can put extra stress on any unresolved issues of commitment, families, money, etc.

Sometimes it just helps to know — you’re not alone and you can get through it.

I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and wishing you some peace and love during the holidays.

I also wanted to find out where you’re at as we prepare for the New Year.

I’d love to hear from you about:

Where you’re at in your relationship journey – recently divorced, single, dating, in a new relationship…

What you’re struggling with

–getting back out there/dating, going slow in your new relationship, fighting fair…

Where you’d like to be! – friendship, casual dating, romance, commitment, all of the above!

How can I help? – any ideas, suggestions, requests regarding our relationship get-togethers, seminars, workshops, blog, etc. (There’s also a possibility we could do online seminars. And we could get together at my new Glendora Village office instead of at the book shop. What would you like?)

I know you’re crazy busy. But if/when you get a moment, I’d love to hear about where you are and how I can help in the New Year. Just click here to share and/or read others comments. (If you’d like to keep your comments private, just email us)

And I do wish you all the love you deserve during the holidays and in the New Year!

Let me start by saying, these differences won’t apply to all men and all women all the time. Rather, they will apply to most men and most women most of the time. And, as we get older some of the differences can shift.

So is sex really more important for men than women? Or is it just more complicated for women?

When a Woman gets Physical, She Gets Attached
That’s why she can’t jump in as quickly or easily. Because once she gets physically intimate with someone, she can become attached, whether she wants to or not.

When You’re Falling in Love, Your Brain Stops Working Right
In the beginning stages of a relationship, the cautious part of your brain gets really quiet.  So it’s easy to miss the red flags or other warning signs. But once the infatuation wears off you can see clearer. Except, if you’ve slept with him, then you may already be bonded. That’s why it can be hard to leave even if he’s not a great guy or the relationship isn’t what you really want. You’re already “in.”

It Takes More for a Woman to Get and Stay “in the Mood”
It’s nature’s way of slowing her down, because she has so much more on the line. So a woman will need closeness, talking, cuddling and kissing before sex. And if there isn’t trust or commitment that will definitely affect her ability to “let go.”  And she can easily be distracted by noises or just having too much on her mind.

It Takes Less for a Man to Get or Stay “in the Mood”
Plus, sex is often when he feels closest to his partner. In fact sex is as important to a man as talking is to a woman. It’s how he connects and feels close.

When Sex is Good for Her, Everybody’s Happy!
So sex does matter to her, she just needs her partner to be sensitive to what she really needs. Because when sex is better for her, she’ll be more interested, which is good for every body!  And remember, with sex it’s -”Use it or Lose it”. So it’s worth taking the time to get it right!

We’ll be discussing Sex at our January relationship seminar at the Village Book Shop.  Can’t wait to hear what you think!

Sex: Why She Needs to Take it Slow, Why it’s So Important to Him
Saturday, January 8th, 2011
3:00 – 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora
Directions

The holidays can be a tricky time for everyone. But, they’re especially hard if you’re single or recently divorced. It starts at Halloween and goes through New Year’s. It’s easy to think that everyone else has the perfect relationship, family, group of friends, to share the holidays with.

And that can leave you feeling a little… well… needy.

And that’s where you can get into trouble. There’s the temptation to get involved with someone who isn’t really right for you. Or if you’re seeing someone, there’s the tendency to put pressure on the relationship for more closeness or commitment.

So what’s a girl (or guy) to do?

• Reach out for support, especially from friends or family where you really feel included
  
• Be open to meeting new people at holiday get-togethers, but try to keep things light
  
• When friends or family ask if you’re seeing anyone – let them know you’re open to being set up with someone they like and respect
  
• If you’re seeing someone, remember the goal is “Damage control!” (Don’t do anything to make things worse!) The last thing you need is extra relationship stress during an already stressful time.

Then, you can look at things with fresh eyes in the New Year.

I hope you can join me for my December 4th relationship seminar, How to Date During the Holidays!

Let’s get through the holidays together!

VondiesSinglesSeminars
3:00 – 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

We had a great response the last time we did our seminar on Internet Dating. People even requested Internet Dating II! So, I think it’s time to get back to it.

Whether you’ve been doing Internet Dating for a while or are just thinking about trying it, this seminar is for you! We’ll cover some basic tips for finding quality men (or women) and how to:

• Get started
• Be safe
• Screen out the ones you don’t want
• Attract the ones you do want!

If you have a profile, bring it! And we’ll give you some feedback on it. And if you attended our last Internet Dating seminar, we’d love to hear how it’s working for you!

So I’ll hope you’ll join us at our November 6th relationship seminar, Internet Dating: How to Make it Work for You!

Internet Dating: How to Make it Work for You!

Saturday, November 6th, 2010
3:00 – 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

Would you like someone good to share your life with?

Do you ever feel like your past relationship is holding you back?

Are you ready for a fresh start in the New Year?

I hope you’ll join me for:

How to Let Go of the Past So You Can Get Started on Your Future!

I’ts normal to have feelings and fears as you try to move on with your life. But, sometimes those feelings and fears can keep you stuck. We’ll talk about those feelings and how you can move through them.

This workshop is interactive. You will have the opportunity to cut out pictures from magazines to represent the things you had to let go of (or would like to let go of). Then you can place those pictures on your posterboard (which we”ll provide).

You can also include pictures of the things you’d like to have in your life and in your future relationship. Then you’ll have a chance to share your board and hear from others if you’d like to.

How to Let Go of the Past So You Can Get Started on Your Future
Oct. 2, 2010, 3:00 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave.
Glendora, CA 91741

*And don’t forget to get your *free* copy of my ebook,  How to Let Go of the Past So You Can Get Started on Your Future.  

Well, we did it! Henry and I are officially married and back from our honeymoon. :)

And we’re finally gonna get to have our seminar — How to GET a Date and What to SAY and DO on a Date, Saturday, September 11th at the Village Book Shop.

I know many of you have been patiently waiting for this event… so to say “thank-you,” we’re bringing back our 2-for-1 coupon! Register in advance or pay at the door and bring a friend for free this month!

Andy donated 20 sets of his Dating Cards. So don’t forget to get there early to get yours!

I can’t wait to see you there!

How to GET a Date and What to SAY and DO on a Date!
Saturday, September 11th, 2010
3:00 – 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

First of all, just wanted to let you know — I’m doing fine… just really busy with the wedding next week!

But, I did want to let you know we’re still having our monthly Singles Seminar — How to GET a Date and What to SAY and DO on a Date, Saturday, September 11th at the Village Book Shop.

Remember we’ll have Andy’s dating cards. So, this is gonna be fun! We’ll practice how to meet someone, what to say to get to know them better. And even how to get away when you need to!

And we’re still planning our big event — Our First Live Online Singles Seminar! Patty and Melissa and I have been working hard getting ready for you! And we should be ready for this fall. : )

So I hope you enjoy what’s left of your summer. And I’ll look forward to seeing you soon.

Lots of love,
Vondie

p.s.
Some people have asked about the “wedding”??? Yes, the “wedding” is mine. Henry and I are getting married Saturday, August 14th : )

How to GET a Date and What to SAY and DO on a Date!
Saturday, September 11th
3:00 – 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

Dating is hard enough. But especially if it’s been a while since you’ve been “out there.”

So that’s why we’re gonna practice: How to GET a Date and What to SAY and DO on a Date!

Saturday, July 10th, we’ll use Andy’s Dating Cards and try out some of his suggestions for:

• Pick-up and Get-away Lines: What to say when you’d like to get to know someone better. And how to get away when you need to!
   
• Flirting: How to let someone know you find them interesting!

Low Impact Dating: How to make the most of a date and find out if they’re right for you! 

Andy is donating Dating Cards. So get there early to get yours! We’ll try them out and see what really works. This will be a lot of fun! So, I hope you’ll join us.

Hope to see you there!

How to GET a Date and What to SAY and DO on a Date!
Saturday, June 10th, 2010
3:00 – 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

It’s time for our — Introvert/Extrovert Seminar again!

I don’t usually repeat seminars during the year, but since it takes a while to get the hang of what all the “letters” mean, sometimes it helps to do this one more often.

What do I mean by “letters?”*

Well…

• Are you an Introvert or an Extrovert? (I/E)
  If you’re an Introvert, you need more time alone to recharge your batteries. And you’d rather spend one-on-one time with a close friend. If you’re an Extrovert, you love big groups and have lots of friends. You lose energy if you have too much time alone.
• Are you more Intuitive or Sensing? (N/S)
  If you’re Intuitive, you “trust your gut.” You’re good with ideas and words. And you’re idealistic. If you’re Sensing, you trust your senses — what you can taste, touch, smell, feel. That makes you observant, practical and realistic. (This one can be especially tricky, if you’re different from the person you’re in a relationship with).
• Are you a Thinker or Feeler? (T/F)
  If you’re a Thinker, you’d rather make decisions based on your “head.” You focus on what’s logical and fair for everyone. If you’re a Feeler, you tend to make decisions based on your “heart.” You’re more compassionate and warm. (Slightly more men are thinkers. Slightly more women are feelers.)
• Are you more Judging or Perceiving? (J/P)
  If you’re more Judging, you’re organized, you like to plan ahead, and you’re good with time. You feel better once you’ve made a decision so you can cross it off your list. If you’re more Perceiving, you’d rather be spontaneous and flexible. You like to keep your options open. You’re more “in the moment” which means sometimes you lose track of time.

You get the idea… we have really different ways of doing things. And of course, you’re not all one way or the other. But, when you get a sense of your overall style, it can tell you a lot about yourself and your relationships, like who you’re attracted to and who would be a good fit for you!

The more different your letters are, the more CHEMISTRY you’ll have.

The more alike your letters are, the more COMPATIBLE you’ll be.

That’s why you’re really attracted to people who drive you crazy! Or you when you find someone you get along with, it can feel boring.

So, how do you discover what your letters are? And how do you find the right balance of chemistry and compatibility?

I hope you’ll join us to find out!

I can’t wait to see you June 5th for – Are you an Introvert or an Extrovert? (This seminar is really fun. So, feel free to bring a friend or significant other!)

Are You an Introvert or an Extrovert?
Saturday, June 5, 2010
3:00 – 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

p.s.
The “letters” are based on the Myers-Briggs/Keirsey Bates Personality Profiles from Please Understand Me, 1984.

I wanted to remind you — it can happen. You can discover how to find someone good to share your life with.

And it doesn’t have to be such a mystery. There are some specific things you can do to get yourself ready. And there are some basic dating guidelines you can follow to screen out the people you don’t want and find the person you do want!

I’ve been reading through Andy Whaling’s book, Choosing Well.  Here are some of his most important topics:

• Flirting: how to let someone know you’re interested ☺
• Low Impact Dating: how to keep your dates low key, so you don’t confuse your excitement about the date with your excitement about the person (think the OPPOSITE of The Bachelor)
• Pacing: how to go slow, so you don’t get too attached before you really know them
• Avoiding Unavailable Partners: how to stay away from people who will never really love you back!

We’ll also talk about the best places to meet quality singles.

We’re still experimenting with meeting on Fridays. And I know the new day/time is not working for everyone. So, we are considering returning to Saturdays in the near future. But, if you can make it on Fridays, I hope you’ll join us April 23rd for:

The Nuts & Bolts of Dating: Finding Someone Good Doesn’t Have to be a Mystery!

I can’t wait to see you there!

The Nuts & Bolts of Dating: Finding Someone Good Doesn’t Have to be a Mystery!
Friday, April 23, 2010
7:30 – 9:00 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

I hope you’re enjoying the beginnings of spring. I’m happy the rain has finally stopped.

Everyone says “love is in the air” in the springtime. But, if you’ve had trouble finding love or if you’ve been burned, it can all feel a little overwhelming.

But, it doesn’t have to be. Finding someone good, doesn’t have to be a mystery if you follow some basic guidelines.

So, that’s what we’ll be talking about this spring, the Nuts & Bolts of Dating, such as:

• Where to look to find someone good!
• What to say and do when you meet someone interesting!
• How to identify if someone is or isn’t relationship material (and what to do about it!)

Andy gave us some great ideas at our last seminar. But, there was a lot he didn’t have time to cover. So, we’ll be talking about his dating tips and more!

I’ve also heard your requests to meet more often. So this spring, we’ll be meeting twice a month on Friday evenings.

Our first Friday event will be this week, Internet Dating: How to Make it Work for You!

To celebrate our new day and time, we’ll be bringing back our 2-for-1 special (for this night only ?). Register yourself and bring a friend for free! (And don’t forget to bring your Internet Dating Profile, if you have one. If there’s time, we’ll give you some feedback on it.)

I hope you’ll join us this Friday!

Internet Dating: How to Make it Work for You!
*Friday, March 19, 2010 (*new day and time!)
7:30 – 9:00 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

You’ve all heard me talk about Andy Whaling and his relationship tips…everything from – how to avoid sharks and players, to — first date guidelines, to — how to avoid serial monogamy! So, to celebrate our one year anniversary at the Village Book Shop, Andy will be joining us as our special guest speaker, Saturday, March 6th!

As many of you know, I attended Andy’s group, when I was single. I was already a therapist. And I had done a lot of work on myself. But, at Andy’s group, I really learned the “nuts and bolts” of dating. He gave concrete suggestions that helped us screen out the “sharks and players” so we could find the other good singles out there.

And it worked! I finally found somebody good.  :)

And I know that’s what you want and deserve, too!

So, I hope you’ll join us for this very special event.

I also wanted to let you know, we will be meeting twice a month this spring. I know it’s hard to give up too many Saturdays. And I thought it might be nice to have a place to get together on Friday evenings. So, we’ll be meeting the 1st and 3rd Fridays of the month at 7:30 p.m.

Our first Friday event will be March 19th! And to celebrate our new day and time, we will be bringing back the 2-for-1 special (for this event only :).  Register yourself and bring a friend for free! And we have a great topic for that night — Internet Dating: How to Make it Work For You! (Bring your profile, if you have one. And if there’s time, we’ll give you some feedback on it.)

So, I hope to see you at our very special event with Andy and then on our new night to talk about Internet Dating.

I can’t wait to see you soon!

How to Meet Someone You’d Like to Date!
(Special Guest Speaker, Andy Whaling)
Saturday, March 6, 2010
3:00 – 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

Internet Dating: How to Make it Work for You!
*Friday, March 19th (*new day and time!)
7:30 – 9:00 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

I hope your new year is off to a good start. I have to admit, I’m glad the holidays are over and I’m ready to get back to “real life.” And one of the things I’m most excited about getting back to is our Relationship Talks/Singles Seminars. They’ve really become a place to get together with others who want to find someone good. And we’ve got some new ideas for Spring (see below).

Feb. 6th, What Men Really Want! What Women Really Want!
(Question & Answer)

For our Valentines Talk, you’ll have a chance to ask all those things you’ve always wanted to know about the opposite sex! And the men (or women) in the group will answer. I think this Seminar will be A LOT OF FUN!  :)  (Register early to reserve your seat!)

March 6th How to Meet Someone You’d Like to Date!
***Special Guest Speaker*** Andy Whaling

In March, we’re having our very special event. Andy Whaling, former director of Sunday Night Singles will be joining us. I attended Andy’s group when I was single and it completely changed the way I dated (which is one reason, I’m no longer single!). I’m so excited that he’ll be joining us to share his dating expertise! (I think this will be a packed house and seating is limited. So register early to reserve your seat!)

This Spring, We’ll be Meeting More Often!
(Friday Evenings)

I’ve loved this last year of talks at the Village Book Shop. It’s been great to spend time with you and to get to know you better. And I’ve heard recently that some of you would like to get together more often so you can get to know each other better, too!

So, we’re working on it for this Spring! I know it’s hard to take a chunk out of Saturdays more than once a month. And I’m thinking it might be nice to have a place to get together at the end of the week. So, we’re thinking about Friday Nights at 7:30 p.m. (weekly or 1st and 3rd Fridays) I’d love to get your feedback on this. You can leave a comment here and/or see what others are saying. (Just scroll down to Comments at the bottom of this post.)

I can’t wait to see what this year brings!

What Men Really Want! What Women Really Want!
Saturday, February 6, 2010 
3:00 – 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

How to Meet Someone You’d Like to Date!
(Special Guest Speaker, Andy Whaling)
Saturday, March 6, 2010
3:00 – 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

As you approach the New Year, it’s normal to reflect on the past year, where you are now, and where you’d like to be…

I know many of you would like someone good to share your life with.  But, sometimes you can feel like your past relationships and fears of making the same mistakes are holding you back.

That’s why in January we’ll be talking about how to let go of the past, so you can get a fresh start in the New Year!

This seminar will be interactive.  You’ll actually be cutting out pictures from magazines to symbolize the things you’d like to let go of. 

You can also cut out pictures to represent what you’d like to have in your life or in a relationship.  Please let us know early if you’re planning to attend, so we’ll have plenty of supplies for everyone.

I can’t wait to see you. 

And I do wish you a bright and happy new year!

How to Let Go of the Past, So You Can Get Started on Your Future!

Saturday, January 9th, 2010
3:00 – 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

We know the holidays are stressful for everyone.  And I don’t want to discount those of you who are in a relationship, especially if you’re struggling.

But, this month I’d like to focus on singles. Because if you’re single or newly divorced, the holidays can be especially tricky.   It can feel like everyone else has someone to be with or some place to go.  But, if you’re single, it’s easy to feel like you don’t really belong anywhere.  Even if you spend the holidays with friends or family, you can still feel like a 5th wheel.

And that can be hard.

So what can you do about it?

There are all the “wrong” things you can do.  Like getting involved with someone who’s not really right for you.  Or getting too close to someone you’ve just started seeing.  You might feel better in the moment.  But, there’s a good chance you’ll feel worse after.

You can an end up with an “emotional hangover” which is way worse than a physical one.

So what might really help?

• Sometimes success is just surviving.   I know this sounds very Grinch-like.  But, it’s important to acknowledge that the holidays can be hard at times.  And if you just make it through, without making things worse, that’s a success.
• Make the most of those holiday get togethers!  This can be a great time to practice smiling and meeting people that you could potentially date.  And if you’re around people who are in good relationships, it’s okay to let them know you’re open to being set-up.

I know — it’s really hard to keep putting yourself out there.

But, instead of just surviving the holidays…maybe this could be an opportunity to meet people who might be right for you!

So, next year the holidays might be even better…

And I hope you’ll join us for “How to Date During the Holidays,” Saturday, December 19, 2009.  Stay tuned!  More information to come!

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I thought this might be a good time to talk about our families.  We all know that they affect us.  But, sometimes, we don’t realize how much. 

And I’m not just talking about how your actual family affects you today.  Though thanksgiving and holidays do tend to bring all that family stuff up. 

What I’m really talking about is how growing up in your family affects you and your relationships … who you choose and how you get along. 

It can be simple things, like:

• Maybe you were the oldest responsible one.  And you find yourself picking people that you have to take care of. 

• Or maybe you were the youngest.  And you still feel like you have to answer to everyone else, instead of doing what feels right to you. 

• Or maybe people in your family were really close and in everyone’s business.  So, you tend to like guys who give you some space.  But, then sometimes you wish they were closer.  

• Or maybe people in your family sort of kept to themselves.  So, you’re not sure how to get close to someone.  And you don’t want to get hurt.

You get the picture.  It’s tricky.  Whether someone’s like your family or the exact opposite.  It can still bring up your family stuff. 

The key is learning what that stuff is.  Then you get to decide who you want to be in a relationship and what kind of relationship you really want. 

And then when your family stuff comes up (which it will, even in a good relationship), you’ll at least know why you’re so upset.  And that will help you get through things better.

I wasn’t planning to do this talk again until next year.  But, I’ve had so many requests, that I’ve decided to do it twice a year.  So, if you missed it last time, this is your chance!

On October 3rd, we’ll be talking about how your personality style affects your relationship and your relationship choices, such as:

• Do you need more time alone or more time with lots of people?
• Is it better for you to trust your “gut” or would you rather way “pros and cons”?
• Are you more of a “heart” person or a “head” person?
• Do you like to plan ahead and be organized? Or would you rather be spontaneous and flexible?

I know these all sound like random things.  But, when you put it all together, it can tell you a lot about yourself and your relationships.

We’ll also talk about who you might be attracted to and who would be a good fit for you.

And for those of you in a relationship, we’ll look at — why the things you initially loved about your partner might be driving you crazy now!

I have to admit, this is a really fun Talk.  Plus, you can bring your partner or friends and learn more about them.   :)

Hope to see you there!

October 3, 2010
3:00 – 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

I hope you’re enjoying your last couple weeks of summer.  My boyfriend and I just got back from vacation and we had a great time!  (Which hasn’t always been the case.  See What Do You Do When You Want the Exact Opposite of What He Wants?)

Anyway, as we’ve been together longer and know each other better, our vacations are also getting better.  And part of what we did differently on this trip was make an extra effort to make ”entertainment” or fun more of a priority.  We took a couple boat tours and even saw a whale up close!  It was awesome.

A last month’s Relationship Talk, we discussed how important it is to date “differently” than you have in the past, if you want to find someone different than you’ve found in the past!

And we’ll be talking more about New Ways of Dating that will Help you Find the Guy you Really Want, September 12, 2009.  

But, it also got me thinking about how dating isn’t just for singles.  It’s easy for couples to stop “dating” or doing anything fun, once you settle into a routine together.  When that happens, you can start to feel more like roommates than a couple.

So, we’ll also be talking about How “Dating” Your Partner can Keep your Love Fresh and Alive!

So, whether you’re single or part of a couple, I’d love to hear from you.  You can leave a comment here or you can join us at the Village Book Shop, September 12th, 2009, 3:00 – 4:30 p.m. (123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora)

I can’t wait to hear from you and/or see you soon!

p.s.Back by popular demand!  We’ll be discussing How Your Personality Style Affects Your Relationships at our October 3rd Talk. This workshop uses the Keirsey-Bates/Myers-Briggs to help you understand yourself and your relationships.  And, it’s really fun!

We find people attractive for all kinds of reasons.  But, most of the time, chemistry is based on stuff we’re not even aware of.

We’re most attracted to what we know.  Or rather who we know.

It’s like we have a template inside us that lights up when we find someone attractive.  It draws us in like a magnet.  And it says — “Ahh, this is what I’ve been looking for.”  “This is what I want.”

This template is made up of all the relationships from our childhood and other important people in our lives.

So, if you had good family relationships.  You’ll most likely have chemistry with people who will treat you right.  Because you choose people based on your relationship template.  And good for you.

The problem comes, when you’ve had less than great relationships in the past.  You may have chemistry with people who remind you of those past relationships.

Even though you don’t want to repeat those relationship patterns, your template still lights up when you come across people that fit that relationship template.

Something about them may feel familiar or attractive.  And it’s hard to choose someone that you don’t feel attracted to.  (That’s also why they drive us so crazy later on!  Because they’re reminding us of someone from the past.)

But, the secret is — you can have passion, without initial chemistry.

And passion can be even better!  Because, it’s based on a real relationship with your partner.  It’s not chemistry, because they remind you of someone from the past.  And it’s not going to wear off once you get to know them.

So, I hope you’ll join me for:

Why Passion is Better than Chemistry!
Saturday, 3:00 p.m.
August 1, 2009
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

Sex is a mysterious and wonderful part of relationships.  It’s the glue that bonds us, like nothing else.  But, why is it so important to men?  And why does it seem less important to women?

The truth is — sex is very important to women.  When women become physically involved, they become emotionally attached.  That’s why it’s important for women to not jump in too quickly.  Because once she’s physically intimate with someone, she becomes attached, whether she wants to or not.

That’s also why, it takes more for women to get “in the mood.”  It’s nature’s way of slowing her down.  But, it can make things more complex for couples with busy, stressful lives.  For her to want sex, she needs to feel close and connected.  She can’t be tired or upset.  And she needs lots of cuddling and kissing first. 

It’s also harder for her to stay “in the mood.”  She can easily be distracted by noises, or worries, or if she just has a lot on her mind.  With so much that can go wrong, the key for her is quality not quantity.  She doesn’t need more sex, she needs good sex. 

And men are different.  For him, more is usually better.  It’s not that he wants bad sex.  It’s just that it doesn’t take as much for him to get or stay “in the mood.”  So, sex is usually good for him.  Plus, sex is often when he feels closest to her.  So for him, what’s not to like about sex?
 
We really are very different , when it comes to sex.  But the good news is — if a couple can embrace their differences, sex will be better for her.  When sex is better for her, she becomes more interested in sex.  Then, chances are — there will be more sex, which is better for him.  So everyone is happy!

So, I hope you’ll join us for:

Sex, Why it’s So Important to Him/Why it Seems Less Important to Her
Saturday, July 11, 2009
3:00 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

Why do they pull away, when you get too close?  Or maybe you’re the one who need space, at times.

We all want to be loved.  But, we each have different comfort zones for how much closeness feels good.

So, how do you balance that out in your relationship?

• ­There will always be times when your partner can’t be there for you.  That’s why it’s good to have friends and others to turn to.  You’ll get some of your needs met.  And you’ll be less likely to overwhelm your partner, when they’re ready to reconnect.
• ­If you’re the one needing space, remind your partner that you care.  But, let them know, you just need a little time to yourself.  Then when you’re ready, you can reach out and reconnect.  But, it’s really important to take time for yourself when you need it.  Or, you’re likely to shut down in the relationship.

You’re never going to be in sync at all times.  But, if you can give each other breathing room when you need it, you’ll reconnect faster.

Some partners have very different closeness comfort zones, that’s a different story.  But, most of the time, if you respect your different needs, you can find your way back to each other.

And I hope you’ll join me for my next Village Book Shop Talk:

What is Your Closeness Comfort Zone?
Saturday, June 6, 2009
3:00 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

I really enjoyed our recent talk at the Village Book Shop.  And I’m excited to let you know — we’ll be back on the 1st Saturday of every month!

During our last talk, we looked at differences between men and women; especially when it comes to dating, fighting and sex.

On May 2nd, we’ll be talking about how your personality style affects your relationship and your relationship choices, such as:

• Do you need more time alone or more time with lots of people?
• Is it better for you to trust your “gut” or would you rather way “pros and cons”?
• Are you more of a “heart” person or a “head” person?
• Do you like to plan ahead and be organized? Or would you rather be spontaneous and flexible?

I know these all sound like random things.  But, when you put it all together, it can tell you a lot about yourself and your relationships.

We’ll also talk about who you might be attracted to and who would be a good fit for you.

And for those of you in a relationship, we’ll look at — why the things you initially loved about your partner might be driving you crazy now!

I have to admit, this is a really fun Talk.  Plus, you can bring your partner or friends and learn more about them.   :)

Hope to see you there!

Saturday, May 2, 2009
3:00 – 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

I’d love to have you join us next Saturday, March 28, 2009 to talk about:

• How to find the good guys and screen out the “players” 
• How to find common ground, even though men and women fight and love differently!

We can also talk about other topics that are important to you.

If you haven’t already voted on what you’d like to discuss, it’s not to late to take our web poll.  Just click here. 

You can also let me know how often you’d like to get together.

We’ll be meeting at the Village Book Shop:

Saturday, March 28, 2009
3:00 – 4:30 p.m.

Feel free to bring a friend, partner, coworker… or anyone else that might want a little relationship help. 

I can’t wait to see you there!

I didn’t get a chance to do my Valentine’s Talk this year, with everything that was happening with me personally.  But, now that life is returning to normal (my mom is doing better and the boyfriend isn’t working so much), I’ve started thinking about getting together. 

I love getting your comments on the blog.  But, I was thinking… I’d love to actually see you and hear about your relationships in person.

Our next Relationship Talk will be Saturday, March 28th.

We’ll meet from 3:00 to 4:30 p.m. at the Village Bookshop in Glendora (123 N. Glendora Ave.)

We’ll be talking about. How to Get the Love You Really Want!

But, I wanted to check in with you and get your input.

I’d like to know how often you’d like to get together and which topics, you’d be most interested in talking about, such as:

• ­how to find a good relationship (ie. first date topics, red flags)
• ­how to keep a good relationship
• ­communication differences between men and women
• ­sexual differences between men and women
• how to fight fair
• ­how to have closeness
• ­how to set boundaries
• ­personality differences (ie, thinker/feeler, organized/spontaneous)
• how our families-or-origin affect our relationship

If you’d like to give your input and and/or see what others want, just click here to vote.

I can’t wait to hear from you and see you soon!

I hope your new year is off to a good start.  Mine has been good, but not without it’s challenges.

Last month my mom was in the hospital.  And this month, my boyfriend is working 12+ hours a day. 

We’ve each had a hard time in our own way.  And we don’t have enough time together. 

I read A General Theory of Love over the holidays.  It’s about the science of attachment/relationships.  They talk about how important our relationships are.   

When we feel like we miss our loved ones, it’s because we really need them.  At a core level, they actually “regulate” us in important ways. 

Most of us know our loved ones affect our emotional health.  They provide care and comfort and reassurance when we need it.  And when we don’t get those things, we really feel it. 

But, we may not realize that the impact goes even deeper.  They also help stabilize us physically.  So, when they’re gone, we can lose sleep or even get sick.

And we need them even more, when we’re under stress. 

That’s why it’s so important to: 

• Make time for each other.*  We can’t develop and keep that bond if we don’t have enough time to just be together.  That’s how we stay tuned-in to each other.  That’s how we know what’s going on with the other person and what we each need. 

• Take care of each other (It’s not 50-50.  It’s 100-100.)*  That’s why it can’t be, “You do your share, and I’ll do mine.”  We both have to be “all-in.”  Because sometimes, it’s not even.  But over the long haul, if we take care of each other, we’ll both be happier. 

A deep attachment relationship isn’t a luxury.  It’s essential, if we want to be healthy and happy.  And, it enables us to survive the rest of life’s ups and downs. 

So, the best way to really take care of ourselves is — to be there for each other and take care of each other.  

My boyfriend and I are doing our best with his long hours.  And, my mom is doing better, which is a big relief.   But, I’m really looking forward to things getting back to normal.  

I’d love to hear how you are “there for each other” and how that gets you through the ups and downs of life. 

*A General Theory of Love, by Lewis, Amini, & Lannon.  (Chapter 9, A Walk in the Shadows, “the dynamics of duos”)

As we approach the holidays and get ready for a new year, it’s normal to think about where we are in our lives.  We look back at the past year and we think about the year ahead.   

But, sometimes, when we look back, it’s easy to compare ourselves to other people.  We start thinking about our relationships and our lives compared to how we think theirs are.    

Or sometimes, we don’t even compare ourselves to real people.  We compare ourselves to hallmark commercials or people we see on t.v. and we think their lives look better than ours. 

And we end up feeling bad about ourselves. 

But, I’ve love the saying that –”the only appropriate comparison is between where we are now and where we’ve come from.”

We stop comparing our lives to what we think other people’s lives are like.  And instead, we look at ourselves now, compared to where we were before. 

We all work so hard and expect so much of ourselves, it’s easy to focus on what we’d like to change in ourselves and our lives.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.  It’s good to have goals and to work toward them. 

But, sometimes, it’s good to remember how hard you try and to celebrate the little victories.  Like, maybe this year, you took some risks in your relationship: 

• Maybe you tried speaking up more
• Or maybe you listened more
• Or maybe you set some boundaries
• Or maybe you risked getting closer

Whatever you did differently to try to have a better relationship, that’s a risk.  It’s also a step toward having the kind of relationship and life you really want. 

So, as you get ready for the holidays and think about the year ahead, I hope you can give yourself some credit for who you are and where you are today.  Because you deserve it.

I love helping you discover how you can have the relationship you really want.

I recently spoke to students at the University of La Verne about — how our personality styles affect our relationships.

Some of the things we talked about were:

• How our different styles attract us to each other and then drive us crazy!

• Why it’s important to have some things in common, especially values and how you look at the world

• Why relationships with too much chemistry might not work out

• What kind of relationship might be a good fit for you

• How to appreciate each other’s differences

If you’d like me to come and share with your group, I’d love to do it!

I’d be happy to visit your class, church/community group, or group of friends.  We could even do a “girls-night-out.”

Just call me at 626.215.2527 and we’ll set it up.

Can’t wait to hear from you and see you soon!

“You sort of stumble along and reconnect and lose each other and reconnect again.” 

That’s Felicity Huffman’s response (Lynette from Desperate Housewives), when she was recently asked about her successful marriage.* 

And it’s one of the best descriptions I’ve ever heard — of a good relationship.

Being in a good relationship doesn’t mean things are always great (that’s Hollywood).  It doesn’t mean things are dramatic and tumultuous (that’s Hollywood, too).

It means — sometimes you’re close … then you fight … then you work things out … then you’re close again … and then you start all over again.  

Hopefully there’s more closeness than fighting.  And, when you’re close, you remember how much you really love each other.  And, when you fight, you don’t do or say things you can’t take back. 

But, it can be reassuring to realize that it’s okay to “stumble along” and “lose each other,” as long as you find your way back to each other again.

So, how do you find your way back to each other?  Sometimes, it can help to try:

• Listening to what he’s saying.  Even if you know you’re right and he’s wrong, try  putting yourself in his shoes.   Whatever he’s upset about is really important to him.
• Not replaying how and why you feel wronged, over and over in your head.  That’s only going to make things worse.*  (See Gottman’s Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, for more on this.) 
• Taking time to cool off.  It helps you put things in perspective.  Then whatever you were fighting about becomes less important.  Plus, you start to miss each other.  
• Remembering, he’s doing his best.  He may be having a bad day.  He may be under stress at work.  Sometimes, it helps to remember that things aren’t always about us.
• Appreciating what he does do.  He might not do exactly what you want, when you want him to do it.  But, there may be other things he does for you, that you don’t even think about.  It’s important to remember he’s trying and not take that for granted.  

Of course, this doesn’t mean you let him treat you bad or blame you for things that aren’t your fault.  And you do need to work though whatever you were fighting about, so it doesn’t keep happening.  But, first, you have to get to the place where you want to reconnect, before you’ll even be ready to try.

I’d love to hear how you find your way back to each other. 

*To read more of the Felicity Huffman article, see the September issue of More.

Sometimes, I joke with my boyfriend and say, “I don’t have friends anymore.”

It’s not exactly true.  But as we’ve gotten more serious, my focus has definitely shifted from friends, to him and our relationship. 

We spend most of our free time together.  And, we’re also starting to have more of a couple’s social life, where we’re spending time with others, together. 

In Judith Wallerstein’s book, The Good Marriage*, she found that people in good marriages weren’t just close to each other, they were also connected to their communities. 

They had outside interests and friends, for themselves and as a couple.  In other words they didn’t live in isolation.   

It’s important to make your relationship a priority.  But, since no one person can ever meet all your needs (my boyfriend wants me to have more friends :), it’s also important to have other people you can turn to. 

And not just for support.  It’s good to have other people to have fun with, on your own and as a couple. 

So, how do you and your partner stay connected to the rest of the world, on your own, or as a couple?  Or do you? 

p.s. *To read more about this, check out Judith Wallerstein’s book, The Good Marriage.  

Nobody likes to fight.  And it’s never feels good while it’s happening.  But, fighting can actually be good for your relationship.  Two different people are never gonna agree on everything.  So, if we never fight, something’s wrong. 

The problem isn’t that we fight, but how we fight*. 

Here are some tips to help you FIGHT FAIR. 

• Use “I” statements. “I feel…” “I need…” “I want…” Instead of “You make me so …”

• Stick to the topic at hand. Don’t bring up last week, last month, last year. And try to avoid words like “always” and never.” 

• Take a time out.  Give a time-out. When things get heated it’s really important to take a break and cool off. This is especially important for men, who “flood” (feel angry and like they need to get away) more quickly than women*.

• Don’t shut the other person out.  And remember to call a time-in to finish discussing the issue. Because when women feel shut out, that’s when they “flood” (feel panicky and/or angry)*.

• Don’t go below the belt.  Don’t go for the jugular. You know your partner’s sensitive spots more than anyone else. Don’t say something in the heat of the moment, that you’ll regret later.

• Know when to say “STOP.”  Let the other person know when they’ve gone below the belt and that it’s – NOT OKAY.

If you need to talk about stuff from the past, or if you aren’t able to fight fair, it might be time to ask a counselor for help.  

Remember, the goal is – for both of you to get what you need, without damaging each other or the relationship. 

In fact, the real goal is to find ways to be happy together.  That’s why fighting fair can actually bring you closer. 

p.s. *To read more about this, check out John Gottman’s book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. 

I’m teaching the Young Adulthood: Love & Work  class at ULV this summer. 

And I can tell that some of the students are feeling like – this whole relationship thing is just way too complicated. 

But, it doesn’t have to be.

Some basic things to keep in mind are:

• Keep your eyes open– to red flags; like lying, cheating, drinking, commitment issues (this includes keeping commitments to call you, get together, etc.)  
• Keep an open mind – to guys who may not necessarily be your “type”, but who may be worth a second look.  This means taking a chance on a good guy (and by good — I mean nice, not icky, there’s a difference.)
• Trust your gut– if he makes you doubt yourself, or feel bad in any way, that’s not good.  But, if you feel comfortable with him and enjoy being with him, that’s very good.   
• Trust your close friends– if you have friends who are in good relationships, ask them how they meet their guy and/or ask them to fix you up.  You can trust that they’ll have your best interests at heart.  

Sometimes, we settle for less than we deserve, without even realizing it.  We think we’re asking for too much.  Or that someone we’d really want, wouldn’t want us. 

That’s just because we don’t realize how much we have to offer.  And we haven’t experienced a good relationship, yet.  But, we can.  It just means we have to do things a little differently.

I saw Sex and the City yesterday.  

It was worth the $8.50 (I went to a matinee.)  But, I have to admit, I was a little disappointed.  It just seemed like the story lines were so simplistic.  

IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET, DON’T READ ANY FURTHER!!! 

Charlotte and Harry are obviously happy, which is great.  (She chose a “good guy.”  :) 

Carrie and John (I didn’t know Big had a name) struggle with his commitment issues.  They don’t really get addressed, but at least they find a way to make it to the altar (eventually). 

But, what really bothered me was the way they approach the other two relationships.  After Steve’s affair, Steve and Miranda’s only options are to break-up or ”move on without looking back.”  And for Samantha and Smith, it’s break-up or stay in a relationship that compares to “chemo.” 

The movie makes it clear that Steve and Miranda have deeper issues that led to the affair.  And Samantha and Smith are dealing with his long work hours and no sex life.  

Both couples have “issues” that need to be worked on, but the movie doesn’t explore them.  So, Miranda chooses to ”move on without looking back.”  And Samantha leaves the relationship. 

Samantha believes she’s just not meant to be in a relationship.  When maybe, she’s just not meant to be neglected, in a relationship.  And Steve and Miranda don’t really deal with any of the things that led to the affair.  So, what’s gonna prevent them from having trouble in the future? 

I know it’s Hollywood.  And I know I think too much.  

But, YOU KNOW, I want to hear what you think…

I’ve been cooking for my boyfriend, because it’s important to him.  But, it hasn’t been without a bit of pain — actual pain.  I don’t always pay attention to what I’m doing, so sometimes I cut or burn myself.  But, it’s usually not a big deal. 

Well, the other night, it was my boyfriend that got burned instead of me. 

He went to help me move an oven rack.  But, before he did, he asked if the oven was off.  I thought it was and said, “yes.”  But, it wasn’t.  He grabbed the rack with his hand and got burned — badly. 

He actually felt it “sizzle.”

IT WAS AWFUL.

After we had his hand in ice water and he was over the shock of it; the hard part was dealing with the fact that I had really hurt him. 

He let me “doctor” him and do other things to make him more comfortable (like fixing him a snack and letting him surf the T.V. channels at full volume :).

And, I really appreciated it, A LOT.  I felt so bad and helpless to make him feel better, that I was happy to do anything to make it up to him. 

And, even though he was hurting, he didn’t make me suffer any more than I had to.  He let me make-up and make-it-up to him as much as I could.

And that’s a good sign. None of us are perfect.  And sometimes we’re gonna hurt each other, even when we don’t mean to.  (That doesn’t mean we ignore unacceptable behavior or we let someone hurt us repeatedly.) 

But, it’s a sign of a good relationship, if your partner accepts your attempts to reconnect after there’s been a “break” in the relationship*. 

In other words, they let you make-up, without torturing you about it. 

So, once again, I’d like to hear from you.

How do and your partner reconnect, after you hurt each other?

p.s.  *To read more about this, check out John Gottman’s book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. 

p.p.s.  The next day he was fine.

Men and women really are different.  And I always love learning more about how we can understand each other better.

A while back I attended a talk by Paul McWilliams, LCSW on the differences in male-female communication styles.   And some of what he shared greatly surprised me.

One of his recommendations for women was to use “short speeches,” when you want your man to do something.

He said men can easily feel controlled or dominated.  So, the worst thing you can do is ask him to do something and then stand over him and wait for him to do it… not gonna happen.  It makes them feels too much like they did when their mother tried to get them to do things.  And it brings up that independent/rebellious thing.

He said it’s better if you ask for what you want and then let him take care of it in his own time.  That way he won’t feel controlled by you.

So he suggested, when you want to get a man to do what you want, you should…

• walk by him …
• mention it briefly …
• keep on going …

That way, he can do it, of his own accord, and in his own time, when he’s ready.

So, of course, I had to try this with my boyfriend.

One of his chores around the house was to take out the trash.  So, the next time I noticed it needed to be emptied, I didn’t point it out over and over until he did it like usual.

I asked him to take out the trash once, and then I stopped asking (which was really hard for me).

Of course, I didn’t stop thinking about it, but I didn’t bring it up again.

And what I noticed was … when I stopped reminding him, he started reminding me … that he hadn’t forgotten about it.

In fact, he let me know several times that he hadn’t forgotten, and then later on, he took care of it.

So, maybe he didn’t do it right when I asked.  But, he didn’t forget about it either.

And, I think this way felt better, for both of us.  I didn’t have to keep track of him.  And he knew that I trusted him to take care of it.  And best of all, he couldn’t accuse me of “nagging.”  (I hate that word.)

So it was a win-win for both of us.

If one of your goals this year is to have someone special in your life.  And if your relationships aren’t working out… maybe it’s time to try something different.

Sometimes, it can be as simple as changing where you’re looking for love.

Andrew Whaling (formerly of Sunday Night Singles) talked about finding “your village.”

What he meant was, in “long-ago times,” when people lived in smaller towns and communities (villages), you knew a lot more about the people you were dating.  You probably knew their background, their family and what kind of person they were.

In other words, you knew whether or not they were a “quality person.”  There was also a good chance you’d have similar values.  Now, that we live in such a different world, you have to work hard to find a “quality person,” who wants the same things out of life that you do.

But, according to Andy, once you’ve found “your village,” in other words — “your people,” the hard part’s over.

Then, all you have to do is find someone fun that you’re attracted to.  And you’ve got the basis for a good relationship!

So, once you’ve identified who your people are, you just have to figure out where they are.  This might be different, depending on what’s important to you in a relationship.

“Your people” might be:

• at your school or church
• at the dog park
• working on a political campaign.

But the point is — find the places with the people that share your values and then start looking!  :)

I know, this is sort of the reverse of how we usually do it — meet a guy (maybe in a bar) and then hope it turns into something real…

Now don’t get me wrong, if you just want fun, go for it.  But my experience is that the bar-guys don’t usually end up “fun” for very long and there’s usually a high price to pay for the “fun.”

The truth is, we usually know what we really want — and that’s someone good to share our life with.  But, sometimes, we’re afraid to go for it.  Or maybe we just aren’t sure how to get there from here.

Being single or recently divorced during the holidays is definitely no picnic.

But, being in a bad relationship can even be worse.  In fact, feeling alone in your relationship is the worst kind of loneliness.  And the holidays can heighten those lonely feelings. 

At holiday get-togethers, you can find yourself acting like everything’s okay, even when it’s not.  You end up feeling distant from your family and friends because you don’t want to tell them how you’re really feeling or how things really are.  Because you know what they’ll say. 

And you end up feeling even lonelier. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying relationships never go through ups and downs or that they should feel good all the time.  That’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about a relationship, that may have started out good, but now feels bad most of the time.

So, why do women stay in relationships that feel so bad?  

• You get attached.  As as woman, once you get physical, you will most likely bond with your partner.  So, even if the relationship changes and it isn’t feeling good anymore, the thought of ending it might actually feel worse. 
• You believe the person, you fell in love with, is still in there somewhere.  And he may be.  But, usually, he’s on his good behavior in the beginning.  And over time, you see more of who he really is.  Or maybe he was one of those guys who really comes on strong, but loses interest once he has you.  Either way, it’s important to make decisions based on your actual relationship and how you’re being treated today; not based on the past or hopes that he’ll change in the future.   
• You don’t realize you deserve (and can have) so much more!  Sometimes, it’s easy to think this is “as good as it gets.”  Or maybe you’re asking for too much.  So, you give-up on what you really want in a relationship and try to make the best of a bad situation.

If you’re in a relationship that feels bad, more than it feels good, remember — it doesn’t have to be like this!  It’s not asking too much to want someone to love — who will love you back!

You deserve a relationship that feels good (most of the time).  You deserve someone who knows they’re lucky to have you in their life.  Someone who loves and appreciates you and treats you right!   That’s not asking for too much.  In fact, it’s what everyone who really loves you already knows.